I think it's fair to say that most, if not all, parents are challenged with instilling the character trait of 'respect' into their children. That's a two-way street. Speak to your kids with respect, receive their respect. The truth of the matter is, that doesn't always reciprocate, especially in equal proportions.
A few years ago, a friend of mine shared an entry from a blog on her Facebook timeline. It was from a website called The Orange Rhino found
here. I was intrigued by the name of the website (hey, it's cute!) so I clicked on the link to see what it was all about. I was directed to a Challenge page.
The Challenge: don't yell at your kids for a year.
As I read through the page, I was reminded of the many times I yelled at My Children and how it only made all of us feel worse. I'd yell at them for not doing chores, or leaving their backpacks on the floor, forgetting to feed the dog, talking rudely to one another. I wasn't always a yeller. As with most mothers, I have a "look" and a "tone", which I employed on occasion. After feeling unsuccessful over a lengthy period of time, I resorted to yelling to get their attention.
Too, as I read through the challenge, I remembered feeling belittled when I was yelled at as a youth - any time I'm yelled at, to this day! I don't want to belittle My Children. I want to bolster them, allow them their independence while still honoring what courtesies and obligations are necessary to be a part of the family unit. I want them to feel empowered, not squashed. I didn't name call them, nor did I say phrases like "you're lazy", "how disappointing", etc. I did yell phrases such as, "how could you??" and "WHY would you DO THAT?!" and "why DIDN'T you do that??". I was frustrated with other life goings-on, or lack thereof, so I was taking those frustrations out on them.
(Ugh, I feel a pang of shame in my belly just typing it right now!)
The most important aspect of yelling I learned from this blog: yelling is about ME. It's my frustration for not being heard, respected, validated, acknowledged. It's about my shortcomings: impatience, intolerance, inability. Yelling is disrespectful.
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| The Valentines Day, my Valentine is The Orange Rhino |
I haven't purchased the book & various marketing items. I haven't blogged about it (until today). To be perfectly honest, I have only ever visited the website twice: that
day it found me a couple years ago, and again today, in order to reference it for this blog
entry. I did, however, tell My Daughters, about three months or so into it. They held me accountable, which I embraced. It was difficult at times, but mostly, I felt liberated. What resulted was a more harmonious home, and even more remarkable: a more full way to love. I have learned to be a more patient teacher, a kinder caregiver, more compassionate - to them and myself. Where I lacked in ability, I have sought ability. Thankfully, forgiveness is a big player in the relationships between me and My Girls. I feel closer to them more now than ever! I pray that my behavior change is something they internalize and, as they become mothers, they organically love with patience, prayer and compassion.
Do I still get a "tone" and use that "look", yes! But I am here to tell you that the no-yelling WORKS, and I have had to rarely use the "look" and "tone". I still get frustratedvoice, but the volume stays at acceptable levels. I'll always be a work in progress.
I'm so grateful to my friend who posted this website on her Facebook
timeline! This website changed my life, and ultimately, the lives of my
children!
So Happy Valentine's Day to The Orange Rhino! Thanks for bring me L-O-V-E!
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