Friday, May 30, 2008

Putting In My Request Now....

I'm banking on a "girls only" 40th birthday far away from my home. While there, if anyone can arrange it, please have Simon Le Bon show up and ask me to dance with him.

He has to dance with me, not just ask!

THAT would be a dream come true.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Is It Hard?

What a funny day today.

I'm one of those rare women who can indeed see the Big Picture. True, I can get hung up on minutae in an arguement, but I have the ability to step back in the heat and frenzy of that and broaden the scope.

Today was a day where I saw life playing before my eyes. Life growing beyond me and my home into the universe. It's a day where I saw my legacy sprout leaves. The seeds I've sown have been nurtured. And I'm proud.

I am also withered. It's a day I felt squelched and infuriated. It's a day where I recognize just how much my character flaws rear their Medusa heads and hiss at the world. It's ugly. It's necessary. It's painful. It's growth. It's opportunity to be purified.

On a lighter note, but kind of related, my husband, My Little One and I attended with My Eldest her school's Talent Show. Unfortunately we didn't get to stay for the whole thing because My Little One was rather fussy and implacable, but we did get to see a glimpse of the World's Future. Great kids. Doing great things. Kids up there doing electric guitar solos, jump roping tricks, singing, ballet, piano playing, tae kwan do (hope I spelled that right -- apologies if I didn't!) It was inspiring and sweet.

While there, My Eldest left us to go sit with her school friends. That's a first. She usually wants to cling to me whereever I am. Not tonight. And earlier today, when My Husband and I dropped her off at school, she didn't kiss us good-bye. All week she's been 'forgetting' that part. I've noticed and have been in denial, but the truth is she's growing up and doesn't need or WANT kisses from her parents on the way out of the car anymore. I am grateful that she turns around and sings 'I love you' before turning and heading to the school office. (Makes me cry just typing it.) So I realized today that My Eldest is growing up...meaning...not needing me as much. She doesn't look like a little girl anymore. Her conversations are the gamut of cartoons to religion, candy to politics. She's bright that one. Special. Amazing. I love her but it still hurts. And it makes me proudjackie, too.

When we got home, we were getting ready for bed. I helped her take off her dress before getting into the shower (no baths anymore). Here is our conversation:

Her: Is it hard being a mom?
Me: (smiling a little) Yes, sometimes.
Her: Is it ever easy?
Me: (nodding) Yes, it's easy a lot because you make it easy. You're a good girl.
Her: Sometimes I feel like I make it hard.
Me: There are indeed times you do, but that's part of being a kid and a parent. Overall though, you're so good. And sometimes being a mom is supposed to be hard. But I couldn't ask for anything better.
Her: I love you, mama.
Me: I love you, too, baby. Now get in the shower.

So, yes, it's all hard. But it's all good.

Right?

(please say yes! please say yes!)

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Love & Respect

My brother-in-law (who is also my Godfather) was at my home this evening, and left me with a priceless tidbit of relationship knowledge he gained from listening to a Catholic marriage lecture on CD.

Men need respect.
Women need love.

If a man does not feel respect, he will not give love. Conversely, if a woman does not feel love, she will not give respect.

How true is this?!!?

Very, I say!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

AJC

I volunteer twice a year for the Dallas Chapter of the American Jewish Congress. This organization, as best I can tell is highly political, as well as extremely humanitarian. They embrace inter-faith opportunities and also seek out opportunities by which the Jewish cause may be advanced at a grass-roots level.

In addition to their function in society, AJC has award ceremonies. One is called "Women of Spirit" and the other is entitled "Torch of Consciousness". Tonight, I drove to downtown Dallas (I never get tired of the skyline!) to the Women's Museum at Fair Park for the ceremony. I basically smile, make small talk, hand out or collect name tags, direct guests to the restrooms or the refreshments, their table assignments and such. I think this must be my third or fourth year doing this, so now I'm seeing familiar faces. I don't think any of them remember me, which is just fine.

The women being honored this year, as in all years, cover a wide strata of society. Five women received the award: (1) A Mexican immigrant city council member (who is a practicing dentist AND Mayor Pro Temp), (2) a founder of the Women of Spirit awards, (3) a woman who is a leader and advocate for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community, (4) a woman who manages a homeless shelter here in Dallas, and finally, (5) a woman who heightens awareness of the horror of racism that sadly still exists and then fights to break down those barriers.

As the organization's name surely suggests, most of the attendees are Jewish. These folks are the ones I am talking about when I say above that I'm beginning to see some familiar faces. The same group of people show up. And hey are so nice, so generous, so appreciative. I volunteer with My Husband's aunt and her daughter, which makes it all very fun. We get some fabby food (the first time I ever ate hummus was at an AJC function), free liquor, a stunning setting, as well as being elbow to elbow with some of the Dallas elite. The mayor made an appearance, many judges and other city council members current and past, mayors of some of the surrounding cities, the city manager, our sherriff, the founder of Dallas's Holocaust Museum, and many more interesting people.

I know this sounds silly but for a few hours I feel so different. My real life is NOT this life. A life of being a socialite, recognized in the community or the world for that matter. My life isn't the political hotbed of discussions that go on at this event. Listening in, there was discussion about the goings on in the Middle East, tthe Palestinian movement, grant money to finance future honorees educational trips to Israel....you get the idea. High powered!

Plus, watching the Jewish community interact with one another reminds me a bit of how black people interact with one another and why I want to be black. They truly already know each other and if they don't know each other personally it isn't long before they do because "so-and-so is the attorney for my cousins divorce who photographed your library donation event. Oh yeah! I know you!" And voila! Not strangers anymore. It makes me want to be Jewish.

There invariably is a person (typically female) from AJC who kind of volunteers with us but really is more interesting in re-establishing her presence with everyone. She reminded several folks about "when I photograhed your event". She supposedly has a couple of famous author relatives, one being the creator of Lambchop (if I understood her correctly) and the other is the most prolific writer of Jews in the Southern U.S. -- historian type. She went on and on about who she knew and blah blah blah. I got such a kick out of watching her. Her shoes were too big, her pants too long and baggy (and shiny), her shirt was too long in the sleeves and she wore this gawdy wide faux-leather belt with a big bow on the side of her waist. At one point, I turned to the other two and asked if it was just me "or does she look like a little kid trying on her mom's clothes?" haha She tried very hard to be interested in me and my life but kept 'getting distracted' to schmooze with acquaintances.

Her: So are you married?
Me: Yes! Yes I am.
Her: And where is HE tonight?
Me: He's at ho.....
Her: Oh my goodness! There's Mayor Leppert. Hi Mayor Leppert. Remember me? I'm the woman who always calls the early meetings!! Remember? (meanwhile the Mayor is giving the courtsey nod/smile and backing up toward the exit)

She does not pick our conversation back up. *Shrug*

Anyway, it's fun. I've been to The Hotel Intercontinental, the Baron House (a.k.a the House that Asbestos Built -- the owner of the home is the lawyer who busted open the danger of asbestos and of course is massively rich. Tons of pictures around their house of him and his wife with very *ahem* Presidental Presidents and other Congressional Congressmen intermingled with some amazing art from around the world), and now, the Women's Museum which I understand has a kick-ass Wonder Woman exhibit. Now I will have to take a trip back just to see that exhibit. :)

Shalom.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Wastes of Time

I'm tired but I don't want to sleep. Then I am the other extreme where I just want to hole up under the fluffy blankets in a cold air-conditioned hotel room for weeks and sleep. This late time at night, when everyone in my house is asleep, is my time. It's the quite I crave. It's the alone-ness I crave. I know it's detrimental to my health to be up this late, but I seriously need some Jackietime.

It's not been a good day for me.

It unsettles me when I have days like this. Days when I feel it's me against the world. I rarely feel like that, but today -- tonight -- I do.

My eyes are beginning to sting.

No doubt I will have horrible age-revealing bags under my eyes tomorrow.

I have a feeling this is a losing battle -- this fighting sleep to have a sliver of time -- a stolen moment. This slice of Heaven wasted on friggin' sleep. (I often contend the biggest wastes of time in my life are going to the restroom and sleeping. I'd be waaay more productive if I didn't have those two things with which to contend. )

'Nite

A Higher Evolution

yeah, yeah, yeah...

I know.

This matchup of Wings and Penguins makes most of the higher-evolved hockey fans salivate. I will watch the Stanley Cup series. I am trying to become one of those higher-evolved hockey fans myself. Even though the Stars lost, doesn't mean I should abandon the game.

Wings anyone?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

From Gwynnethe....Pegging Myself

Yourself: Complicated
Your Lover: Evolving
Your Hair: Stylish
Your Mother: Survivor
Your Father: Ashes
Your Favorite Item: My kids
Your Dream Last Night: Travelling Overseas
Your Favorite Drink: Coca-cola with Old Grand Dad and some ice cubes
Your Dream Home: on the water
The Room You Are In: Bedroom
Your Pets: None
What You Are Now: Confused
What You're Not: Enough
Your Best Friend: My Journal
One of Your Wishlist Items: New Furniture
Your Gender: All Woman
The Last Thing You Did: Post Surveys On MySpace
What You Are Wearing: A Sheet
Your Favorite Weather: Fallish
Your Favorite Book: The Dictionary
The Last Thing You Ate: Pizza
Your Life: A Winding River
Your Mood: Pensive
Favorite article of clothing: My Duran Duran 1978 Ringer Tee
Favorite color: Blue
Song: Fire by the Pointer Sisters

Year Two

...and counting....




Two years ago today, I started my blog. Happy Birthday WonderWhoosh! :)
Two other pieces of news:
(1) The Stars won AGAIN on Detroit's ice. Good, good news. I am still believing....
(2) Pop is home. I feel better about it today than I did the other day. It actually feels right and good. I was crying.
My Daughters and Nieces made a giant sign that said "Welcome Home, Pop" which we hung up over the doorway. He loved it. My Mom was here with her dog and the dog (a chihuahua) met Pop at the door. Pop pointed at him with a shaky hand, smiling and crying, barely able to mumble "hey! hey! That dog!!". He clearly could remember the dog, but didn't remember his name. Wheeling him further in to the house, he was embraced and lauded with a hero's welcome home, overtaken with emotion.
I'm glad he's here.
Off to take a nap now....

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Logic Is There But The Emotion Doesn't Match

The title of this blog entry is the story of my life these days.

It's so true: timing is everything.

It's good news. VERY good news! Yet, part of me is holding back. Part of me is grieving. Part of me (the selfish part) doesn't welcome this next phase of the moon.

I am trying to swallow my pride, swallow my selfishness and serve the greater good, but I do question "what IS the greater good"? I'm confused. But, I am proceeding with vigilance. I'm not sure what to expect because there will be a giant ripple effect. I'm trying very hard to pray, turn it all over, and hope for the best. I will have lots of traffic in and out of my house. There will be no area in this house where I can have my alone time. Privacy is non-existent here. My Husband's oldest sister has offered to babysit so that My Husband and I could go out once in a while. I appreciate that gesture very, very much! It will be fine. It will be fine. It.Will.Be.Fine.

The good news is ....drum roll please.....that POP IS COMING HOME!

Medicare won't pay anymore. He's been in this skilled nursing unit where basically their residents (not patients) go to die. They don't improve. They seem to only exist there. It's a sad place, really. It's sweet, yet sad. Their rooms are decorated with tidbits of their homes, and few visitors come and go. An aviary is out by the nurses station, which is lovely to observe. But Pop is a patient who is improving. The staff at this facility don't seem to be equipped to handle a progressing patient. They are seemingly hard-wired to maintain and comfort a deteriorating resident. This dichotomy in care has been a point of frustration for all involved: facility staff, Pop, the family.

The rub lies in the fact that Pop is physically not ready to be home yet. He's mentally ready (as are we), and he's matured emotionally (still a lot of work to be done in that department, though). It will be beneficial for him to be around his grandkids and wife, in an environment where he isn't pissed off at people all day long who are ignoring him or neglecting him; where he lays in a plastic bed with a curtain surrounding him to separate him from his always-hacking, non-talking, wife-is-uber-nagging roommate. (The poor guy suffered a stroke and cannot speak or move really.) Pop still needs help getting into a sitting position, as well as a standing position; he cannot walk. He has been working diligently on 'transferring' which will aide in him going from bed to wheelchair, for example. There are some other obstacles that have potential to be fixed. I had hoped that those goals would've been accomplished prior to his discharge, but alas, they were not.

It was originally decided that Pop would go to My Husband's youngest sister's house. But, as time drew nearer to discharge, I could tell my husband was itching to have Pop in *our* house. Seeing as he has been the primary decision maker since day one, combined with his background as a registered nurse, I figured this would be the path he'd want paved.

There are fewer stairs at our house. We have slightly wider hallways; more open space. My house is, in a way, in a good location to other family members and area clinics if we need them. Of course, my mother in law is already here, so that's another good reason to have him here -- they are married after all! :) There might be other factors but I can't think of them right now. (I've had a bad day today.)

Pop is looking forward to coming over and sitting on our deck. I know he's excited to get some sense of normalcy back. Undoubtedly, he is glad to get out of that facility. We, the family, with the support of home healthcare, should be able to serve his needs and return his body to a good percentage of what it was before. Pop can be very stubborn and bossy, so I will be laying down The Law with him: no keg parties during the week, or friends over unless we meet their parents first, say "please" and "thank you", keep your (our living) room clean....y'know...typical stuff.

So, pray for us!! All of us!! It's a good thing. Even if my smile isn't as big as my logic, I really am happy for all of us because getting this giant of a 72 year old man home after seven-plus months in a hospital post near-fatal accident is totally a miracle and nothing short of it!! And it feels gooooooood to revel in that ray of light.

Welcome Home Pop!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Yesssssssssssssssssss

We did it! We did it!!

The Dallas Stars actually WON a game against the Detroit Red Wings!!

The Wings are hands down the best team in hockey IMHO. I am certain that they will skate their way around the rink holding the coveted Stanley Cup.

I really thought we were going to get swept, though. Thank goodness we didn't!! Now...I don't have high expectations for game five, but I'm still going to BELIEVE. Hey, the 33 year miracle could happen!!

Whoosh!

My Horrorscope

This is my horoscope from myspace today:

Aquarius
(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

Wed, May 14, 2008
You can project uncertainty and confusion, even if you are quite sure of yourself. There is a split between your drive for practical accomplishment and your desire for artistic or poetic expression. Just make sure that your need to know the truth doesn't actually prevent you from finding it. Instead of being the scientist or technician today, try a more philosophical approach.


.... I throw my head back in maniacal laughter.....

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Music Minute ~ Paint it Black: Rolling Stones

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev'ry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

By Which I Become More Defined

I dunno...

The more I think things are going to 'normalize' or 'simplify', the more complicated they are. Or is it me? Am I complicating things?

I think I'm a pretty easy-going chick. I would even call myself 'not high-maitenance'. I am a complicated woman, though. This I know for sure. But at the heart of me is someone who has immense hope, a vast curiosity, deep compassion and some other yadda yadda blah blah. This complicated part of me allows for too much second-guessing and self-doubt. Where is the confidence and clarity that's supposed to come with age?

*sigh*

I suspect I'm being pulled and pushed and stretched and prodded for good reason. I mean, I'm the cheerleading poster child for 'pain is growth' and 'trust the process'. Doesn't mean I like it. Doesn't mean it feels good. It is confusing.

I need wisdom.
And patience.
Acceptance.
Honesty and strength. Strength to be honest. Strength to say my peace (lovingly yet firmly) and not apologize for it.

St. Monica, pray for me.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Iron Man

OMG what a friggin fantabulous movie. I'm sure the fact that My Husband and I were out, alone, on an actual date helped elevate this movie to the ephermeral experience that I am describing, but seriously, it's a good move. Worth the money, worth the time.

Robert Downey, Jr. hits a homerun and I'm so thrilled for him. I hope he doesn't get all 'less than zero' again. I hope this success is truly his as a reward for years of sobriety work in the past and a promise of it in the future.



One thing's for sure: he's still as sexy as ever! Dark, brooding eyes. Spunky hair. Clean lines on his facial hair. He has wonderful lines on his face when he smiles. Even beefed up his muscles a bit showing off some beautiful guns and a nice set of pectorals. Very lickable indeed.

He and Gwynneth Paltrow, who looks very chic with that red hair, have some rockin' on-screen chemistry, too.
I was so excited after I saw this movie that I was Pepper and My Husband was Tony and we....er.... never mind.

(not really!)

BUT, I was indeed so excited after this movie that when I woke up the next morning, I burned Black Sabbath's "Ironman" on a CD so we could listen to it on the way to East Texas in the car. While the CD was burning, I pulled out my box of comics and ooo'd and ahhhh'd over them. Even found a 1983 publication of an Iron Man comic that belongs to My Husband. (Ahem. I have the superior comic book collection between the two of us. You know....just sayin'.)
And, playing into this whole "Super Hero" theme that's going on in my house, The Girls are loving that Daddy is Iron Man. Now we have Wonder Woman, Iron Man (R.I.P. Batman), Sock Ninja and Hot Dog Girl (what kind of legacy did WW and IM leave exactly?!).
In closing, my favorite line in the movie is at the end when Tony Stark is giving a press conference in which he is reading an "official" (debriefed) statement. He is not to digress from the official statement. There is a moment when he veers off and says (paraphrasing), 'Did you just stay I'm a superhero?' to one of the sassy reporters in the front, '...because, y'know, that'd be ridiculous. And fabulous.'
Well said, Tony Stark.
From your ridiculous and fabulous fan,
Wonder Woman

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Music Minute ~ Realize: Colby Caillat

Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Didn't I
Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you
If you just realize
what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realized
what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now
Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No its never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you
If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other but
It's not always the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you
If you just realized
what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized
what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized
OhMissed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Realize
Realize
Realize
This is my song today and probably for a few more days. I really enojoy Colby Caillat's voice, even though it took me forever to like "Bubbly". There are few things more enjoyable to me than a smooth voice accompanied by an acoustic guitar and a message....

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Super Women in the Making

I'm having good fun with my daughters right now.

They are making up super heroes and pretending to be them.

My Little One is "Hot Dog Girl". She likes to poof others into Polish Kielbasas (poof! you a bassa momma) or bratwursts.

My Eldest goes the more stealth route. She's "Sock Ninja" protecting those who are in peril with her trusty socks (luckily they aren't the smelly kind that will reveal her presence!)

I wish I had pictures to share. I might have to get MORE creative and make a costume for The Girls.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Love the Turco....

...PET the Turco....

He's my hero of the day (because the game ended at 1:24 a.m. after FOUR overtimes AND Dallas WON!)

Marty Turco

(Oh. And Happy Fifth of May.)

Saturday, May 03, 2008

I'm Growing Some Alaskan Pride. Want Some?

I was born in the cold winter. January. Alaska. Yeah. VERY cold.

I'm entertaining the idea of having an Alaskan-themed birthday in January: Baked Alaska, Alaskan King Crab, snow cones, forget-me-nots, etc. You get the idea.

I enjoy going to this fun little website that shows what the current weather conditions look like in Fairbanks (my *real* hometown). But lately I've started surfing the 'net looking for what Fairbanks looks like. You see, my father was stationed to come to (no surprise here) Texas shortly after my birth. So, Mom, Dad, Big Brother and I head South down the Al-Can Highway, among other many, many highways to Ft. Sam Houston (San Antonio), Texas.

Quite a temperature change. Even in January.

Quite a culture change, too.

So I never go to see what I jokingly refer to as My Homeland. I never knew My People. As I grow old(er), I long to see My Birthplace. Experience the culture and lifestyle of Fairbanks, Alaska.

In my readings and photography scavaging, I came across this fun pictoral:


alaska

It's from a site where the owner claims "even if we cut Alaska in half, we're still bigger than Texas!" Kind of a giggle, really. I'm from the two biggest states in the U.S. 'Splains some things, maybe?