Being Green

I was sitting at the office yesterday.

It was like any other Tuesday there....lots of toys, a few personal pictures, a wrap around cream-colored sectional. That dumb stuffed brown bunny rabbit laying on the arm of the sofa. I always move it. It bugs me.

Hot outside; kind of warmish inside, too.

My butt's sunken into one edge of the sectional, I'm spewing. I promised myself today I would not cry.

Another promise broken.

Anyway, I am inconsistently invoking a 'mantra'.

It's no secret that I'm looking over the fence a lot these days. I'm ogling the green grass on the other side. And I've definitely heard "things can be worse". But I find more solace in the transformation of the phrase "things can be worse" to "my grass is green to someone else", or even "I have green grass".

It feels more postive, doesn't it? The phrase seem to have this natural, earthy feel to it, too. Less tense. Makes sense.

I have green grass. Wanna peek?

This Blog is Rated X

I keep a "Top Five" list. This list is the top five men I'd 'do' in a heartbeat. And by 'do' I mean, well, the obvious, but also there's something about them that I'm attacted to beyond how yummy they look. Now don't get all weird on me and give me the 'media' lecture. That's a given. I'm definitely crushing on the portrayal of these men, AND digging their hotness.

What I'm really trying to say here is that Fox Mulder is on my Top Five List.

What I'm *REALLY* trying to say here is that I'm excited there's another X-Files movie!

I probably won't get to see this in the theater, but I'm excited about the new X-Files movie. I went out and watched a trailer for it today. Even though I'm not all giddy and wet in the pants about the movie, the music got me all tingly and excited. I'm a sucker that way, I know. (Marketing gets me every time!)

I started watching the show several seasons after it premiered (Thanks, Diroxen!). (It's not for everyone.) Once I started watching it and learning the characters, I was hooked.

One of the main reasons I love the X-Files is my love of FOX MULDER. Let me be clear, it's FOX I love, not David Duchovny. Fox is quirky and smart -- so, SO smart! His subtle sense of humor is impeccable. He's well dressed. He is mysterious and dark, quite sexy and lickable. And he likes porn (bonus!)

I found this blooper cut from the first feature film. Look how he just surrenders himself when Scully starts kissing him in this scene....*dreamy sigh*



Yeah...I believe.
I believe Fox Mulder needs to be MINE!

Fundamentals of Effective Communication

My Husband and I didn't date. We met in a college class where he tutored me through college algebra while my father was dying of cancer. That right there is a double whammy: friendship beginning on stress (school AND cancer...not a good combo).

We met in late September. I got pregnant in January.

Yeah...THAT girl.

So we didn't give ourselves the chance to date and let a friendship really build. We don't have that strong foundation of the 'get to know ya' phase. So, we admit to one another and The World, that we have real communication issues.

Case in point:

This morning driving to work (we carpool), the conversation goes like this...

Me: I'm really hungry this morning. *applying mascara*
Him: Yeah, it's going to be 103 degrees today. Bad for breathing. The air quality is supposed to be level orange today.
Me: *applying MORE mascara and nodding sort of* Yeah. It's going to be a bad one. *wondering what the HELL my being hungry has to do with the heat advisory*

Long pause.

Me: *stops applying mascara* What did you hear me say just a second ago?
Him: 'I'm having trouble breathing today.'

I smile and shake my head.

Me: I said, 'I'm hungry today'.

He rolls his eyes, shaking his head side to side and smiles, "oh".

And THAT folks....is the epitome of our difficulties understanding one another. Funny thing is, we are both effective communicators.

(Just not with each other.)

But we keep trying....usually.

Ohmygosh! I'm so uncomfortable right now.

(Amazingly I'm not eating over it. Is this what it feels like to be so depressed and stressed out -- this desire not to binge? Is this what 'normal eating' is *supposed* to be like?)

Anyway -- tough days, rough times. I'm overwhelmed. Torn. Tired.

Those are truths for all of us right now, though.....

Music Minute: Y'all Come Back Saloon

Sometimes I gotta listen to the Oak Ridge Boys. This song I heard today and I haven't shaken it since. Makes me want to go to a bar and listen to a woman with raven hair play the jingle-jangly tambourine.

Editor's Note (ahem, that's ME -- Just Jackie):
In light of Michael's comment, I thought I'd share his talent with you:




Michael did a pretty good job, wouldn't you say?

More Horoscope Sound Advice

Building on my last post....I got this sign from the Thing That's Bigger Than Me:

Aquarius
January 20 - February 17

Give your life meaning today by truly feeling the beauty in every moment you live, dear Aquarius. There is no need to beat yourself up about the past, so move on. It also does no good to beat yourself up about the present. You are at the right place at the right time, so don't waste your energy by thinking you should be somewhere else. There is plenty of fun and adventure to be had right where you are.

Pretty good, huh?

Today's been stellar! I went to church at the early Mass, came home and started working on this home project that was put on hold as a result of the accident. I didn't get it done but I sure got a good bit of it going. Feels good.

Heading to the pool....

Whoosh!

CyberPraying

Working on my high school reunion has brought back me in touch with people who (whom? grrr....I think it's 'whom') I have often thought about. M is one of those folks.

M contacted me last year before I even was thinking of the reunion. He reached out through classmates.com and sent me a 'hello'.

M is a cool cat. I remember him being in the fraternity that was tight with my sorority (yes, in high school!). He played on the tennis team. He had a contagious smile. Still does.

M recently go on MySpace and sought me as a friend. Through the mystical powers of the Internets, he messaged me and asked if I had ever done any article writing before.

After I cleaned up the soda that fizzed and burned through my nostrils and came out onto my desk as a result of me laughing so hard, I quickly responded, "um. no." (Me? A *real* .. like ...*published* writer! Surely you jest! I am only keeping a journal but this could be my road to a Pulitzer, right? Right?! RIGHT?!)

*cough*cough*

Reality check.

Check.

So get this - he is starting up a magazine in El Paso. It's called Cultura Cafe (C2) and it's a mentoring publication for ages 16-24. He said he read that I like to write (yet hadn't read any of my writing...lol) and wondered if I would contribute to his magazine. (Once the website gets up and running I'll post the link.)

Hell to the YEAH!

I was pretty stoked and wowed (ergo Matt and Camila about Levi) and well, I'm going to do it. Fun, huh?

Enough about me...the point of this blog is about cyberpraying.

I've never cyberprayed before. I'm not even sure that 'cyberpraying' is the correct terminology. I do know that there's a difference between 'praying' and 'preying'...both having starkly different connotations, no? Ha! Anywhoo....M and I were catching up on Yahoo IM earlier tonight and of course, we shared about our families. I explained to him the turmoil my family has endured over the last year and he out of the blue, unabashedly typed: let's pray about it, shall we? how 'bout it?

I kind of smiled, taken aback, but flattered nonetheless. And the timing was impeccable. His prayer was about five minutes after my previous post about Cutting to the Chase. Amazing how God answers....what a gift!

M offered up an eloquent and thoughtful prayer request. I truly feel more peace right now. I'm ever thankful for the blessings. I thought I'd share the gramatically edited prayer with you. Feel free to pray for me and my family using this prayer, or offer one of your own. We need all the help we can get. And yes, I reciprocate. :)

M: Father, in the name of Jesus, I boldly come to your throne of grace, asking for mercy and grace in my time of need. Father, I ask for my dear friend Jackie who has danced graciously back into our lives for such a time as this. I pray for her strength in her marriage, that the love she has for her husband be rekindled, and that they bond stronger than ever before. I pray that the Angel of the Lord encamps around her home and that no harm shall befall them. I pray that you make yourself real to her and her family like never before. I pray that you make yourself strong in her weakness; that she has peace in every area of her life, that she has wisdom to run her household as you have gifted her with strength, wisdom, understanding and vision for her family & that you father God have raised her up to high places; that she is the apple of your eye and that you never sleep keeping a watchful eye over her and her family; that you think good thoughts about her, to give her a hope and a future, not of evil but of abundant life. Your word says that the devil came to kill, steal and to destroy but Jesus came to give us life and life more abundantly. Your word says to ask and it shall be given, so we are asking in Jesus name that you give her peace, and joy
Jax: amen
Jax: thank you
M: that you free her from depression because your word says that you have not given us a spirit of fear but of POWER and of LOVE and a sound mind
Jax: (oops! sorry)
M: in Jesus Name
M: now you can say amen
Jax: Amen...

(I have to laugh about the end....hahahahaha. There was this super long pause in his writing so I thought he was done. Whoops!)

M ~ if you read this, know that I love you and that you've moved me today. Thank you for the gift of your friendship and for having a strong spirit.

Oh yeah. And he says I wear my brown stripes well. Even though I'm gringa, I earned 'em. So, I wear them proudly. Orale.

Hasta luego.

Cutting to the Chase

I hope I'm brave enough to post this...

I'm worn out. Emotionally exhausted. I think all the time about stuff. I mull over the relationships I have and wonder how I can make them better. At the same time, I hide. I isolate.

These days I'm having a difficult time living in the here and now. I'm having a hard time not looking over to the greener side. I struggle to focus and concentrate. I yearn to travel and be a different kind of me. The me that wants to live in Europe, enjoy some cultured nightlife and sunny vacations. Afford some nicer things and not stress so much about money, friends, life.

I do my weekly therapy appointments and I get a lot of validation from my therapist. I am thankful for my support system who love me and bolster me and emotionally support me. I am trying to get back into exercise purely for stress management. I worry that I'll keel over of a heart attack and my kids will grow up without me.

I cry when pressed about my 'issues'. My emotions when they are not controlled are extreme.

Erin wrote in her blog about being depressed. I *know* I am depressed, and am trying to manage it the hard way -- without medication. I am gaining weight -- stuffing the emotions inside me so they don't cause carnage. It'd be nice if that was a thyroid disorder. hahaahaha. (Thank you Erin for helping me today. And for being transparent.)

I know things will be fine. I know you are only a call away. I am self-aware enough to know what's going on. I'm just stuck. I'm in that lull between working hard to get out of the dark and being tempted to stay in the dark. I have some tough decisions to make and some music to face, and after a rest, I will be more active. I will come into the light again. The trite stuff just isn't working for me these days. I believe in it whole-heartedly to my core, but it's just.not.enough. these days.

So, pray for me. Be patient with me. In the meantime, I'll be on autopilot.

xo

Compromise

"The concessions of the weak are the concessions of fear" ~ Edmund Burke

Per online dictionary:

com·pro·mise
noun
1. agreement: a settlement of a dispute in which two or more sides agree to accept less than they originally wantedAfter hours of negotiations a compromise was reached.
2. something accepted rather than wanted: something that somebody accepts because what was wanted is unattainable
3. potential danger or disgrace: exposure to danger or disgrace

verb
1. intransitive verb agree by conceding: to settle a dispute by agreeing to accept less than what was originally wanted
2. transitive verb: lessen value of somebody or something; to undermine or devalue somebody or something by making concessionsDon't compromise your integrity by telling half-truths.
3. transitive verb: expose somebody or something to danger: to expose somebody or something to danger or disgraceThis scandal could compromise his chances for reelection.drugs that can compromise the


Compromise. It's good, right? Overall it has a positive intention and a positive outcome. It's supposed to create a win-win situation. Right?

I expect a certain amount of sacrifice. A certain amount of discomfort. A certain amount of discontent yet a certain amount of a sense of accomplishment.

Why does it have to be so damn hard with certain people sometimes? I'm like the Queen of Compromise -- a Master Negotiator -- a Dipolmacy Rockstar. But in this one particular relationship, no way. I'm nil. My efforts are squandered and misconstrued. I detest that. Immensely.

Why try? Seriously? Is it even worth it?? Why does it constantly have to be this uphill battle? Why can't it be light and humorous at times -- easybreezy?

I want ...

I want....

I am willing to compromise.

Instead, I am compromised.

There *is* room to meet in the middle on all things, even when philosophical differences arise, there is a middle ground.

Why can't we find it?
Where is the roadblock because it needs to be removed in order to facilitate progress.