Thursday, November 23, 2006

Turkey, Dressing and ... Egg Rolls?

(Is it pathetic that I'm blogging instead of watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and munching on leftover mashed potatos??)

We loaded up the fam and one very good friend of Hubby's and headed out to Small Town, Texas on this lovely Texas fall day.

The temperature was in the high 70's. Slight wind blowing. The kids were excited. There was a warmth in the house, and I ain't talkin' 'bout the cookin'. Each of us gather in a circle, pray. Then SHOWTIME! We dig into the fixins: turkey, dressing (two kinds!), cranberries, mashed potatos, jello salad, fruit salad, rolls, green bean casserole and egg rolls.

When Hubby invited Viet Namese Friend (VNF), VNF asked, "what can I bring". Hubby says, "nothing". VNF brings yummy egg rolls!

While egg rolls are not traditional American Thanksgiving Day fare, they were a hit!! I bet each of us had at least two -- and there were at least 20 left over. (We're bring those to Youngest Niece's birthday party tomorrow night.) I believe from now on, our family will be incorporating egg rolls into our T-day dinner.

After supper, we played Mexican Train Dominoes, the Grandfather took The Kids for a ride in a trailer attached to the back of a small tractor (the best fun all day according to My Eldest). Grandfather also took VNF on a walking tour of downtown Small Town, The Kids in tow. It's times like this that I soak up my family and friends and really try to marinate in the goodness that has been given me. We are wrapped in one big egg roll and are so yummy -- aren't we?

Oh -- and one more thing -- COWBOYS SPANKED THE BUCS!! GO 'BOYS!

Sunday, November 19, 2006


It is indeed a good day.

The Cowboys handed the Colts their first loss this season -- and it was good.

I've been a lifelong Cowboys fan. I love football, especially the professional kind. College is difficult for me to follow although I will state that I'm partial to the Longhorns and the Irish. I tend to see how the UTEP Miners fared, as well as some other colleges, but there's so much to keep track of in the NCAA, so NFL is easier for me. (That might have some allegory, overshadowing or some fancy English-Psychology concept of me never finishing college.....) I dig going to the bar to watch the games, although that's a rarity these days. I'm wishin' the stars had lined up today for me to have gone to see The Legendary Peyton Manning -- the guy IS greatness. Even if the 'Boys had lost, I would've loved to have seen Manning.

Growing up, one of the best ways I found to bond with my father was memorizing the starting quarterbacks to each of the NFL teams. That was back when Stauback was around, and Danny White, Tom Landry. Our family planned Thanksgiving dinner around the time of the Cowboys game. I've been lucky enough to attend a Thanksgiving Day game vs. the Redskins back in the 90's. (That was pretty awesome.) We didn't do a lot of family things growing up, but we did share football. Also, back in my single days I could impress some of my dates with my football knowledge. This fund of knowledge more often intimidated men, resulting in the "she's one of the guys" category. Made -- and still have -- some darn good friends that are of the male persuasion. At work I host am on a fantasy football team, and have a second fantasy team with my husband through a league my nephew hosts. I still have a lot to learn.

I am floating on blue and silver clouds today!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

How Embarrassing!

Tonight, My Eldest and I went to a soccer game. My friend and his family were in town because their oldest had a soccer tournament. My Eldest was very so looking forward to going, especially since she's been asking for about a year and a half for me to enroll her into soccer. I have been reluctant to do that considering she tends to be really excited about something and then she gets bored, especially with something athletic. But, we're talking a WHOLE year now, so I've been giving it more serious consideration....

Back to this evening:

It's cold -- especially for Dallas.

It's after 9:00 p.m. -- My Eldest's bed time (I actually misspelled that originally as "bad time" -- Freud, are you here again?), which means that she'll probably be tired.

We brough no chairs. No blankets. Only our bright and cheery voices.

So, My Eldest stays buried in kindly donated chairs and blankets, begging me to read her The Magic School Bus's the Human Body book. We read. She whines. I cheer. I read some more. She asks to go home, so I make her wait until half time.

On the way out to the car, I give her little tap on the head, "Did you have a good time?"

"Mommmmmmmm, don't tap me on the HEAD!"

"Why not?"

"You're embarrassing me in front of all my soccer friends!!" she asks rather politely and quietly. Then she continues, "I mean, it's okay if you do that while I'm at school, or at home, but not in front of my soccer girls, please."

It's all I can do to not just guffaw! I don't know how these girls from Austin and Dallas that she's never met before, save one, are suddenly HER soccer FRIENDS. And I don't see how tapping her on the head equates to the school-aged boy asking his mom to drop him off at school and not kiss him.

I simply responded with heartfelt apologies and re-confirmed that I will not do it front of soccer friends again.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Overeating = Selfish = A Gift

Okay, so I was reading this popular blog that really makes me laugh. She's a rather neurotic person that my "when I was in my 20's" persona can identify with. She posted a blog the other day that said being fat and overeating is selfish.

(screeching brakes) Huh?!

That struck a chord with me.

I'm fat. I don't consider myself selfish.

Then I really got to thinking about it. I'm, as previously stated, a compulsive overeater. I've been in THE 12 step program and was quite successful (if one ever IS successful in a 12 step program). I maintained abstinence for almost 12 months, lost 50+ pounds, but most importantly was FREE. Free from the bondage of always thinking about food and how putting it in my body will make me feel oh so much better (because it only really makes me feel physically ill and incredibly guilty). Of course, I was living in a smaller city that isn't so vain as Dallas, going through a divorce, living the single life, enjoying my martial arts classes 3 times a week, visiting with a kick-ass sponsor, even doing service work and really living life in a healthy way.

Now, almost 10 years later, I am not active in program. I'm not active at all. I don't work out, I don't go to meetings, I don't have other program friends in my day to day life. I'm remarried, with 2 young children, live in a megalopolis. I tried to get in program 2 or 3 times since moving here. The meetings are what I call "geographically undesirable" meaning they are so friggin far from me!! (I can hear you 12 steppers now: that's no excuse.) I basically don't possess the energy for it. Program means that program (God) comes first. If God isn't first, then how can I be the most present, most full woman, friend, mother, wife, worker, etc.?

Wanna hear something kind of ironic about that God thing? The first time I ever entered a meeting room, I was agnostic. Higher Power was a difficult concept for me to grasp. No kidding--at times my phone was HP. The PC was HP. Now, I'm a fully converted Roman Catholic and I can't figure out how to put My Father in context of HP.

I'm getting closer, though; I can tell. My treasured coin in sitting on my desk at work. I've printed off a meeting list (a friend is even willing to go with me!). I also pulled out my AA blue book. Pulled out the For Today meditations, as well as the 12 princples & traditions book. Even The OA 12 and 12. It's bittersweet to see that stack of books. They remind me of a healthy time, a free time, yet they continue to haunt me because it's upsetting to think that I will NEVER be totally free of the habit and sheer will to stuff myself full of food! Gradution does not exist. I'm a lifer. I have not seen that my eating disorder is a gift yet.

I live under an incredible amount of stress. I'm a happy person, but I have my internal battles. I numb them with 2 dozen Almond Joys in the last 2 days (can't you tell how much I love-hate Halloween??), along with a choice amount of Reeces peanut butter cups, Snickers, and well, "normal" foods that aren't so sugar enriched. I could binge on water, really. I've done it. Not a proud moment. At least I can say I never dug through the trash to get food in a desparate moment.

To this day, one of the main reasons I don't carry cash is that I will spend every last dime of it on food.

So all that said (and so much more unsaid) -- my chord is struck for a reason. While I stuff food to suppress emotions, I am actually rationalize that I am acting selflessly. In my twisted mind, I think that saying nothing, feeling nothing is really "taking one for the team". I do not need to live my life like this. I am choosing to live my life like this. Thefore, I am being selfish.

Please pray that I get to meetings, start working the program. Pray that I find a sliver of time, an ounce of sanity and a giant barrell of willingness, discipline, commitment to do this again. Lastly, pray that I receive my disorder as a gift, a blessing -- not a cross to bear. And as always, I pray God's will.

Off to read a little bit in my stack of books.


P.S. Today is All Saints Day in the Roman Catholic Faith. When I was baptized, I took the name of St. Monica. She is the saint for mothers and wives.

St. Monica, please pray for me.