WW: Judy Garland

Today we picked Judy Garland. Here's Wednesday Wickedness!

1. "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

Have you ever realized that you were trying to be like someone else?

Yes, actually.  At this moment, I'm having deliberate self-discussion to avoid comparing myself to another, having to wrestle that self-doubt demon, writhing around, wanting to surrender and withdraw. I'm reminding myself that I am my own self that was good enough to get in the door, it'll be good enough to sit in the house and visit a while. 

I have recently been peeling back the layers of this very behavior -- the one where I discount myself because I'm not this-or-that, or my job isn't such-and-such.  I'm not jealous, but I get insecure in a hurry.

It's a learned a defense mechanism - the flight.  I feel inferior, less than, so I look to someone who seems regarded as more than.  I have settled into the second nature of being passive and agreeable, submissive and seeking peace.   Eventually, I will just fade away.  As a result, I've allowed myself to be discounted, insignificant and invisible -- the very thing I fear at my core.

Yet, I do that dog-chasing-his-own-tail thing where I whine about not having attention, yet I isolate so that no attention is given.

In order for me to be "seen", I am learning to use words at the time I feel emotionally compromised (thank you Star Trek for coining that term!).  I feel choked on the words and I'm painfully tactless, but I'm determined to get comfortable with it.  Determined!

For those who experience me day in and day out, I'm sure the actions I take, the changes in my usual behavior, will seem extreme.  I'm sure the not-so-passive behavior, the standing up for myself, will seem to be aggressive.  I suspect the pendulum swings to both extremes.

Somewhere between the extremes is a middle ground.

I will meet you there. 

2. "Behind every cloud is another cloud."

Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about things?

I'm optimistic, perhaps to a fault. 

3. "How strange when an illusion dies. It's as though you've lost a child."

Tell us about a time when you realized your perception of reality was an illusion.

The cellular biology of human life.

4. "I've never looked through a keyhole without finding someone was looking back."

Have you ever felt someone was watching you a bit too closely?

Yes.

5. "If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role."

Have you ever had a job that you were embarrassed by?

It's no secret that I put a high regard on a degree defining my ability (so dumb, I know...shhh!); so, with that said, most of the jobs I've had since I was in my mid to late twenties were embarrassing for me to acknowledge.  The job I have now, I am proud of, and still -- no degree.  (Not sure if that's something to preen about or not, but I will not deny that I'm doing pretty good for myself all things considered....)

The jobs I've been fortunate enough to have were not worthless -- they just weren't what I imagined I would have been doing at that phase of my life.  My embarrassment resided more in that I had not yet graduated college rather than the actual job itself being embarrassing.

6. 'In the silence of night I have often wished for just a few words of love from one man, rather than the applause of thousands of people."

Do you feel that you need a lover to make you feel “whole”?

Yes.

My truth is that I need more than a lover, and I feel more complete by the many lovers (friends, co-workers, family, God, etc.) I previously have had, currently do have and will some day have. 

I also need to intrinsically feel whole instead of extrinsically seek it.  By undervaluing myself, I allow others to undervalue  me.  My challenge is to open more fully, feel more deeply, as well as to embrace my weaknesses and bolster then, and finally, blossom my strengths and allow them to help myself and others.

Plus, I'm nearly convinced that we are never 'whole' while in this lifetime.

Plus plus, I'm fully convinced there is no shame in having many lovers.  We are called to be in community.  Why would we be involved in relationships if we were merely meant to exist, to suffer through this life, to just be a blob without purpose?  Makes no sense....

7. "If I am a legend, then why am I so lonely?"

Tell us about a time when you felt lonely.

I feel lonely every day.  But then again, I'm guilty of isolating.  Is it any wonder? 

Thankfully, I rarely feel alone.

8. "I can live without money, but I cannot live without love."

Would you rather be rich and alone or live with love from a lover?

I would rather live with love from a lover (ahem! lovers), no matter how temporary or fleeting it might be.  I am rich in blessings, and feel chained to this world by money & material things.  Jesus (and The Beatles)  got it right:  all you need is love, love.  Love is all you need.

9. "I try to bring the audience's own drama - tears and laughter they know about - to them."

Tell us about the last movie that you saw where you could feel the drama as though you were living it.

I saw "Red" over the weekend last.  It's a fabulous flick (I'm an action flick junkie.), and yes, I immersed myself into the movie (I want to be Helen Mirren's character!).  I do this with books, blogs, music.  My body and mind easily slip into the fantasy.

Oddly, though, I don't retain many details (too busy emoting!).

10. "I was born at the age of twelve on an MGM lot."

What was your life like at 12?

At 12, I was in the second half of fifth grade, and half of the sixth grade.  This time included a move from Schofield Barracks, Hawaii, a six month jaunt to red-clayed Fort Rucker, Alabama, ultimately ending in Fort Bliss, Texas.  (I wouldn't leave Fort Bliss/El Paso until I was 27.  Momma planted some roots!)

It was one of the worst ages I've endured.  My family was in a bit of tailspin, my grades were not up to par (although they weren't bad), I was socially and physically awkward.  This was tom-boy year -- short hair, carrying a plastic comb and a velcro wallet in my back pocket, fighting with boys, fist fighting with girls. 

Twelve was tumultuous.