Core Fear

It's no secret I'm in therapy.  Nor should it be.  And I admit to needing a lot of it.  *laughing*  I don't understand why human beings consider therapy a pejorative.  There seems to be a shame attached to being in humility to search for the best person a person can be.  Asinine!  Why do we suppose that weshouldknowhowtodoeverythingallthetime?  That's pretty arrogant -- or ignorant -- not sure which.  In any case, don't knock it for yourself or others around you.  It's a gift to yourself & your relationships (& to God). 

A few months ago, My Husband and I attended a marriage retreat.  The retreat was an immersion in the Imago style of, well, love expression.  I'm sure there's some technical psychological terminology for it, but basically, it was further instruction on how to love consciously.

In the course of that weekend, I learned what MY core fear is.  It's being invisible. 

I have an immense fear of not being seen.

So, I act in ways that make me seen.  And these ways are not always healthy.  Sometimes they are of the flesh and not the spirit.

Identifying this Core Fear has been liberating and burdensome at the same time.  I now understand why I behave and feel the way I do.  I understand better why I have the intense, extreme emotional reactions I do.  I now know why I'm fairly good and expressing myself using the written word instead of the spoken word.

I'm learning to speak the words more, and speak them in a more constructive way - in a loving way.  It's probably the hardest growth experience I've ever endured.  Being almost 40, it's frightening.  Funny how the longer I live life, the more fears I develop.  Not only do I develop more of them, but the ones I previously had are bigger and badder and stronger. 

I hate living in fear.  I hatehateHATE it!

Had I learned this stuff back in my 20's, I wonder what heartache might've not existed?  But, because I'm a believer in TTP (Trust the Process), I know that I had to go through those things of the 20's to appreciate and grow into the woman I am, (who, despite my fears, is a pretty kickass chick!).  I haven't graduated, nor ever will I; but I will progress and learn.  God willing, I'll teach when given the chance and the inclination.

If you've taken a moment of your precious time to read this far, thank you.  This post was mostly for me, though.  I needed to acknowledge in writing that I have a Core Fear, and call it by name:  BEING INVISIBLE. 

But now that I have your attention, I gotta ask:  Do you know yours?