Comets

I'm addressing an envelope this morning to the University of Texas at Dallas - Home of the Fighting Comets.  (Huh?  COMETS? Yes....the Comet is the mascot there.  Tell you a thing or seven about the school?)  Anyway, its contents will be the various transcripts from the many colleges I've previously attended.  I'm applying there so I can finally finish my undergraduate degree.  My goal is to start in Spring, 2011.

As I'm writing the address, I felt my chest tighten and butterflies flurry in my belly. 

I came to blog about it because I must be experiencing some emotion that needs processing.  It's more than one emotion, actually.  And I process well by writing/typing. 

*deep breath*

I am astounded at the fear I feel.  Seriously?! WHY would I be AFRAID of finishing school?  Why am I feeling worried and frustrated already?  Why does anxiety overcome me at this moment?

I guess I'm afraid of not finishing - AGAIN.  I'm afraid of failing - AGAIN.  I'm afraid of disappointing - AGAIN.  I HAVE to get over that, though!  I! WILL! GET! OVER! IT!

Often, words like these are spoken out loud to me:  "You are so smart, Jackie.  Why aren't you a doctor or something?" or "You have no idea the potential you have.  Why aren't you doing more?"

These are meant to be words of encouragement.  They're meant to be a compliment.  And I'm learning to take them as such.  My Old Brain hears those words and I feel less than and disappointing.  My New Brain is trying to act on these instead of passively watch from the wall.  It's awkwardly saying:  get over it.  You're a big girl now.  Grow up and do what you want to do!  So...I'm applying for school.  And, dammit, I *will* graduate (before my kids do!).

It's the single biggest regret of my whole life -- not going away to university.  I tear up every time it's discussed or thought.  Even now, a tear stream is dragging through make-up.  Anyway, I always have regretted that I didn't take a bigger stand against my parents and leave for college.  I was so afraid of them.  Growing up in the military with fairly strict parents allowed me a nice yet sheltered life inside a pretty protective bubble. 

My Husband and some friends of mine know how sensitive I am about this subject.  They all assure the that a piece of paper doesn't define me.  Rationally, I know that's truth.

In high school, I was pretty active in the drama department (big surprise! *laughing*).  I was given the opportunity to go to a school in NYC (in fact, I might've previously written about this; sorry for the re-hash) to study theatrical arts.  The scholarship was mine -- a full one!  All I had to do was show up in Dallas and go through the motions of a cold read.  A trip to Dallas was denied.  Needless to say, my dreams were shattered.

When I graduated high school, all my closest friends left El Paso.  I was pretty sad about this.  Okay, I was downright despondent.  At the time, I didn't realize to what degree, but I can look back now and see it.  Don't get me wrong, I still had a couple of friends around (CDA!), and had some good times (toga!), bonded with them (lots!); yet, I wasn't out there...experiencing LIFE, experiencing the big football games with (if I didn't go to NYC, I wanted to go to UT Austin) and the all night studying, dorm life, being lost in a new city, rushing for a sorority, getting a little too drunk, coming home for the summer & holidays.  I saw myself as STUCK.  Stuck in El Paso, pouting, eating my way through depression, and longing for a life out there.

I don't blame my parents.  I can't be mad at them.  Neither of them completed college (my father evenutally got an Associates, but it was through the military, so not the same kind of college experience at all), and neither of them knew all the ins and outs of scholarship hunting, applying for financial aid, or visiting college campuses.  We didn't talk a lot, as I recall, about going to college.  I knew the expectation was that I'd go, but beyond that, no memory.  I suspect they took forgranted I'd do well since I was an honor student and always wanted to please.  High school subjects came fairly easily (except for math).  My parents decided that going to UTEP was good enough, they could afford the difference of what scholarships didn't cover and my brother went there, too, so why not me?  It makes sense.  There might've been some other reasons unbeknowst to me, and it's best if indeed those reasons are real, that they stay in the quiet, dark past.

So, here I sit, over 20 years later, still no undergraduate degree.  I have enough hours for two full undergraduate degrees and then some, yet nothing to show for it.  I abhor the red tape that goes along with the college application process.  It requires much patience and clear-thinking, neither of which I possess.  I pray for both patience & clear-headedness so endure the enrollment process...

The University of Texas at Dallas doesn't have a big football team, and I can't live at the dorms.  I won't be joining a sorority unless it's for academic excellence/field-of-study related.  My summers and holidays will be filled at home, but not with mom & dad.  Instead they'll be spent up the street a ways, where I'll continue with motherhood, wife-lihood, and all the rest of the -hoods I wear.  I will undoubtedly be studying late and long.  I might get a little too drunk sometimes, too.  Maybe once I graduate, those peripherals that come with this regret will have less sting.  If not -- give me another shot, bartender!

The envelope is addressed and it's poochie with academic-y papers.  Gonna go put it in the mailroom so I can get accepted, get advised and have something to look forward to come January....when I turn 40.  (If I don't get accepted, God help us all!)