HUSBAND BILL OF RIGHTS
Preamble: We, the husbands of America, do not claim to be perfect. We're far from it. While we love being married to the wives of America, we have a few things that we'd like to straighten out. We're not asking for the world here. We understand that things like following our college football team to every away game is out of the question, as are after-dinner cigars. However; there are a few minor things that we'd like to clear up to make our marriage a happy one. Me thinks this applies to marriages outside of America, too.....
Amendment I
We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month. A man's relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you. Even as we reach middle age, we like the fact that we still have a "crew."
PASS! I love this idea! I believe in it whole heartedly. I don't even care if my husband were to frequent an "adult entertainment establishment", just so long as he takes a break from his every day life and exhales.
Amendment II
We reserve the right to dislike your friend's husbands. We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned. It doesn't mean we like your friend any less, it just means that in her haste to have a big, fancy wedding, she chose a jackass that we don't want to spend our rare time off with. Listening to stories about how "wicked" he was on the French horn in his bitchin' ‘80s band is just too much.
PASS with one addendum: If you dislike my friend's husband or boyfriend, or hell, even my friend, don't make me feel bad for seeing her/him/them without you around. Let me be his/her/their friend and him/her/they be my friend. Coolio Iglesias?
Amendment III
We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house. Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn't all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone. The scene in "Juno" where Jason Bateman realized that everything he held near and dear was in a 200-square-foot room was a gut-shot to us all.
PASS! What's wrong with 200 square feet? Is that too much? Because, I can make some re-arrangements.... Honestly, this isn't an issue in my house. But I am ready to have some new things to liven up the place...things we pick out together instead of hand-me-downs, freebies and mix-n-matches.
Amendment IV
We have the right not to be scolded by you. We are your husbands, not your children. We don't mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it's not like we just got a lap dance. Don't treat us like your children and we'll do our best not to act like them.
PASS! I don't mother. I don't scold. In fact, I don't speak out often enough or loud enough. But I expect maturity. If there's no maturity, there's no respect. If there's no respect, no trust. No trust, no communication. None of the above, no marriage. It's a wicked chain.
Amendment V
We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart. Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that's how we're wired. And we're not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.
PASS with one addendum: My daughters do this too -- forget the 'sons' part! This goes for either gender. I'm convinced that potty talk occurs as a force of nature. As long as appropriateness is defined, so be it. Just don't sit on me and let one loose, lest ye learn the wrath of summoned universe and suffer dire consequences which cannot be typewritten or spoken aloud. (BTW, My Eldest can put a drunk frat boy to shame in the burp department. Momma's kinda proud & kinda embarrassed about that.)
Amendment VI
We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves. Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it's also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves. One of the plus sides of learning how to take care of yourself is that the more you know, the less you have to use it. Teaching our offspring how to defend themselves in a scary world is one of the basic duties of a father.
PASS! I love this right and will help if so asked.
Amendment VII
We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need. Sometimes we're in there a while, we can't help it. And no, we're not hiding … most of the time.
PASS! I don't care about this one. It's your right. Have at it. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom because I need my Jackietime. I need my alone time. And if the only time I can get it is in a locked bathroom.....
Amendment VIII
We have the right to watch the big game. We care too much about our teams. We know it's not rational, but it's who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die. If you don't believe this, just remember the Boston Red Sox had the most loyal fans in sports and didn't win a World Series for 86 years.
PASS! I'll be watching right along with you, buddy. That's MY right too.
Amendment IX
We have the right to the remote when we're on the couch. This is something that's in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there's any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It's a thing of beauty.
PASS! I don't watch a lot of TV anyway, and if it's that much of an issue, I can go into another room to watch what I'd like to, so no biggie. I'm cool with it.
Amendment X
We have the right to still use chivalry. Yes … we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while. The world will be a better place because of it.
PASS! I am an avid proponent of this. I've blogged about this before. Heaven help us, we need more men to step up to the plate and be chivalrous. And we need more women to chill out and let the men do this for us. DO IT!
WIFE BILL OF RIGHTS
Preamble: We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgement of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies. We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.
PASS! See HBOR Amendment I comments. Ditto here.
Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory. Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.
PASS! As much as I personally hate being female because I am wired in so many male ways, I am very female in the hormone department. For the most part I can behaviorally modify how I act, but sometimes, I just can't. And because female hormones are well documented globally from the beginning of time, I agree that the guys should be more tolerable. BUT, the women don't get to use this as an excuse to be a totol bitch and lash out. Just as much as men are aware that women are wired like this, us females are also aware of it too, so we have an accountability here. Oh -- and about the "even better" part, I'd like to add one suggestion: let me be alone. That means keep the kids busy, too.
Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job. We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.
PASS: I'm lucky that my husband is especially thorough. While this does not apply in my house, I support its intent. Additionally, I echo the "we are not your mothers" commentary from HBOR Amendment IV.
Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?" We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?
OPEN FOR DEBATE: Women need to be prepared to hear the worst when they open themselves up to this kind of scrutiny. All too often we are fishing for compliments, but because we use the incorrect syntax, we get our feelings hurt when our male counterpart is honest. Why set the guy up like this? Why torture yourself like this? And men, validate your women more, please. We need it.
Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets. Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.
PASS! "Secrets" is a word that has a negative connotation. I don't like to talk about my sex life, what kind of tampons I wear, etc. I am not flashing the "I love Brad and Angelina" signs everywhere, but I don't consider these secrets. At all. These are private matters or quirks about myself/my relationship(s). Not secrets. But, we can keep secrets such as "I was thinking of Bob from the office while you were boinking me last night". You get my drift?
Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air. You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.
PASS! See HBOF Amendment V
Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products. You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.
PASS! I am not a froo-froo queen. I don't like a lot of scented stuff in my bathroom. I like what works. It is expensive. I think women waste too much money on this actually, but then again, I'm not a typical female. If a guy can have his reading material, it's fair to compromise on this issue too.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day. About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.
PASS: I have many friends. They are very important to me. Some are right up there with 'family'. I know this is hard for my husband to understand. I am still Jackie. Long before I was a wife and a mom, I was Jackie. After the kids move out, I'll be Jackie. If I ever lose my husband, I'll still be me. So, to surrender my friends or discount the measure of their worth is unacceptable. It's possible to find balance.
Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt. Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.
PASS! Flirting, especially in marriage, doesn't happen often enough. Men and women need to flirt to keep their spark alive. Flirt with each other, and outsiders. It's good fun. And yes, you can get free stuff.
Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay. A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.
PASS: It's surprising to me how many people forget that they like the human body and all it's mystery. Men seem especially prone to redefining the woman they love. They see their girlfriend become wives, mothers, work force sisters. Somehow instead of the man seeing his woman as an amazing woman who possesses incredible breadth and skill, he defines her and pigeonholes her, then moves his affections elsewhere or squelches them because when his wife delivered a baby 'it was weird' or 'gross' or 'the baby's'; or after the wedding she became 'property' instead of staying human. Stay experimental. Learn more. Be willing and open. Be creative. And yes, say and act. It goes far....and deep....
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