Reality Check

I'm realizing that I'm failing myself.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. My limits are being tested. This is a time where my character is being peeled, exposed and redefined. I am hoping that I am a workable piece of art to my Creator. Because, if I don't turn out to be something to display for the world to ogle, then I'm in a lot of pain ~~ for what? For whom? It would be a terrible waste to get to the end and not have anything to show for it.....

I have been living in the 'what if' and the potential of 'what should be' and you know what? The 'what if' and the 'what should be' is letting me down. Sorely. I should be living in the 'is', even if I don't like it. After all, I can change what 'is'. Or so they tell me.....

I'm trying hard to get out of the dark. I love light. The sun is my friend. It's warmth gives me energy. And for too long, I have been laying down in the cold, drippywet darkness. I have been hearing the echo of laughter far off. I'm not in the moment FULLY ever. I am always split. My attention is split all the time and it's time I quit doing that. There are times, especially when I'm crying in the sanctuary of a light-filled therapists office that I say --

I don't want to be the leader anymore!
I don't want to be the initiator all the time!
I just want someone to do it for me.
I just want to lay down and rest. Why can't I rest?

And the therapist angelically reminds me,
Because this is what God has chosen for you. It's a gift. Embrace it.

Weeping I whine,
I don't want to embrace it!

Then I leave the therapist and for days my head is a whirlwind. Migraine comes a-knockin'.

I ponder the next few days, Why *don't* I *want* it? How come I don't want those gifts? Why is there a gap? Why do I push it away? Clearly God has chosen me for these roles. And even though I don't understand them, even though I don't really want them, I am thankful that He considers me so worthy. After all, I am a person who is grateful for pain. I always have been. Without pain, there is no growth.

I have some choices to make. I have some dirt I need to clean up. I have some rest I need to take. But will I do the right thing? Who knows......Who knows? (not me)