If You Answer "Yes" to Three....

Are you a Compulsive Overeater?

1 .Do you eat when you're not hungry?
Um...YES. I hatehatehate the feeling of physical hunger pangs. I can't stand the feeling of an empty stomach.

2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Ummm...YES. But, we all know there IS a reason.

3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Ohhh yeah.

4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?
If I gave less thought to food I could probably be Good Ruler of the Universe because all that brain energy would be utilized in a more efficient, productive capacity.

5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
It's starting to turn into dread, truthfully. Bad, nasty habit that "eat alone" thing.

6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
This I can actually say "no" to, but it doesn't mean I don't secretly binge. I just don't plan it. But, I do keep food in places that are easily accessible.

7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
I'm soooo guilty of this. What's weird is, I eat really well on vacations.

8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Absolutely yes. In ways I don't even realize, I'm sure.

9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
I gave up on "dieting" years and years ago, but I have tried prescription medication as well as the best medicine: exercise. I've also met with a nutritionist and attempted to participate in my company's wellness program.

10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?
No. I don't talk about it with people. The handful of people that know about my eating issues don't say this kind of thing to me. (Thank you.)

11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?
I've continued to say I will return to meetings, or I will hit the gym, or I will keep such-and-such foods out of my house, but I nevereverEVER feel like I will be able to change my eating habits on my own. EVER. I will need help. ALWAYS.

12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
I get bored very easily. I am up late at night. This combination = feast time = all the time.

13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
I don't "escape" from the worry/trouble, but I stuff the feelings down and make myself numb to the feelings. My feelings of being too full then extremely guilty overtake and numb any feelings of anxiety, sadness, elation -- the gamut of possible emotions -- that could be felt otherwise.

14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
Yes. I am actually considering hospitalization for sugar-withdrawals. I think the coming-off of flour and sugar will have serious physical and psychological withdrawals.

15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?
It definitely makes ME unhappy. It definitely makes my mother worry. Not sure about anyone else since, again, I don't discuss it with others.

My blog won't become one of those weight-loss journey blogs. While I find those real-life stories of struggles wonderful, and I'm thrilled for those who've achieved weight-loss success and posted about it, I just can't limit my blog. I've got way more to talk about! *laughing*

Anyway...

I have a friend from high school. She's been on a tear about losing weight and has to this day, lost 62 pounds. Earlier today she was talking about how different her hips feel and how ever crossing her arms is different. I totally get this! I obsess about how my arms feel on my body or how my legs rub together, or how my bra is making indentations in my back, accentuating or creating a roll of backfat (I hate how I look from behind!). She and I have joked how we have Reverse Body Dysmorphic Disorder (not sure if it's clinically valid or not, but I have it, dammit!). We look in the mirror and see lovely, thin, healthy self, instead of a fat, unhappy self. Today she revealed that she can look in the mirror and see her actual self in unison with the body image she thought she always had. Pretty inspirational!

I was in a 12-step program for my eating disorder back in the mid/late 90's and achieved a solid abstinence -- even lost a few pounds. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I am terrified to be healthy-thin, mostly because I can't handle the attention. I don't take compliments well. I'm not comfortable in my own skin EVER. I remember being happy but terrified when man would cat-call me. I think a lot of my food issues are man-centered, in the context of how I've handle interacting with men historically. No doubt it's affecting my relationship with my husband, too.

I'm horrible at setting boundaries for myself. I have a hard time saying 'no'. I am not practiced at being a self-advocate.

The older I get, the hard it becomes....all of it.

I tried to stay in the program after moving to Dallas but became extremely frustrated with getting lost while driving to find meetings. Then when the geography became familiar, I was frustrated by the energy and dynamic of people in the meetings. I would look at some people and wonder if they would save me if I asked them to be a sponsor, or others I would listen to and think, "I'm better than her/him". Additionally, since I was new to this area and didn't know many people, I broke my abstinence for social reasons. I would go out to eat and pick things on the menu I knew I shouldn't eat, but because I wanted to "fit in", I chose something else.

Skewed thinking...truly.

I really miss going to meetings and having abstinence. My mind was clearer. I had tons of energy. I slept well at night. I cried a lot. I have memories -- lived in the moment fully. I was free of the bondage of food. Of course, I was single then. I had the time and energy to attend five meetings a week, workout intensely with a mixed-martial arts (before it became chic) class three times a week. Now, I can't imagine trusting anyone to be my sponsor again. But, the feelings need to be felt and dealt (with), and the food issues have to be reigned.

How am I going to do this with a young family and all that I have going on??

The time is nearing.....