blog to self

This is more for me than you....but you're welcome to read. :)

I had a good food day today. Hope I am lucky to have one tomorrow too.

For breakfast, I wanted to stop at Chick-Fil-A and order two four packs of chicken minis and a large sweet tea (light on the ice), but instead, I ate a (nasty-ass, cold-storage damaged) nectarine and smiled the whole time, feigning happiness. For true delight would've been the very naughty yet oh so comforting fried chicken nugget thingies embedded in buttery buns. Those pillowy little breakfast slices of heaven are my true weakness these days. In any case, I threw about half my (nasty-ass, cold-storage damaged) nectarine in the trash and made instant oatmeal. Oatmeal is new to my food repretoire. I am quite finicky. In fact, I *only* like the cinnamon pecan instant one. Nothing else will do. My binge urge evenutally passed, as did my craving for chicken minis, thank God.

I hear my tummy growl around 10 a.m. I have this obsessive craving for chips. I needed something crunchy. The FeedMeSomethingRightNow Monster was getting pissy. I wanted to have something making noise in my mouth that was salty. All I could think of was Nacho Cheese Doritos. And there's a CVS right up the way....I could go there at lunch. Even better!!...I could scrounge up some change and venture down to the 2nd floor vending area and get some *right now*.

Scrounge, scrounge, scrounge.

One quarter and eight pennies.

Aw Hell! Thirty-two cents ain't goona buy ONE chip let alone a whole bag of them!! I whine like a petulent child in my head, "I want Doritos...NOW!" (Of course, I fully recognize, yet deny at the time, that this is indeed the hand of God intervening in my food addiction -- a.k.a. divine intervention. He is trying to help me when I can't help myself. I need to let Him do that more often in the food area of my life....)

Instead, I reluctantly opt for the soy nuts that are tucked away like a family secret in the depths of a filing drawer.

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

They aren't Doritos. They are salty. They do make noise in my mouth. They don't taste as good so that means I won't eat as many, which means, this is a much healthier choice. You know those little tricks that all sorts of medical and nutritional people teach you about tricking your mind? So, in this case, by me eating something crunch and salty will satiate my initial craving. Since soy nuts are better than Doritos on the scale of food, I should logically be satisfied with the sodium and crunch of the soy nuts, therefore, tricking my brain into thinking it got what it wanted. In fact, there is nothing logical about a compulsive overeater and I want the friggin Doritos dammit!! The psychological tricks don't work on me!!

I'm pouting by now.

Lunch! I crunch on my soy nuts as I ponder lunch. I brought my lunch today. I'm too embarrassed to type what I brought, but suffice it to say it lacked nutritional value. Anyway, I make it to 10:58 and I all I can think is, "wonder if people would think I'm weird eating my lunch this early?" I go to work trying to distract my mind from the obsessive food thoughts.

It's 11:15. I thought this time would *never* come!! Me and my lunch can unite in sweet delight. My mouth can hardly wait to savor the taste of the naughty lunch. I warm it in the microwave and grab a water (as if that's going to cancel out the high fat, high-caloric content of my lunch, or even more ridiculous, somehow the water will make my lunch a *healthy* choice.)

I gobble down my lunch like there's no tomorrow.

I still want something to eat. Namely chips..... And we were just down that road.

I dig in my lunch bag. Strawberry fig newtons and an oatmeal cream pie. Which do you think I chose?

Oh yummy oatmeal cream pie. You're creamy filling can never ever even compete with the mere strawberry gooey-ness of a mere newton. The newtons are almost dry, now -- substandard and well, pathetic. But you, my soft treat are quite a savory delight. I gobbled it up, too. No mercy. The newtons stay hidden in the dark of the cabinet and befriends the oatmeal. Chocolate milk would've been the bow on the package!!

I settle for water.

Slurp, slurp, slurp.

It always does the trick, right? Right. I continue to chant this mantra all afternoon. Never did get convinced....

I decide to go mail some packages on my very late lunch hour -- 1:15. It's also a hidden excuse to venture to CVS to buy those Doritos. I call my friend in Houston. We chat about high school. His company had distracted me for a bit. I tell him I will call back after I've mailed my packages.

Ring, ring, ring.

Hello, Friend. I tell him about the Iron Girl Triathalong as *I drive to friggin CVS to get my chips!* I'm walking around the drugstore and collect a box of Wheat Thins and a bag of Doritos. I'm talking to Houston High School Friend with a basket looped over my lower arm, and there is much commotion going on in the store. This commotion is oddly bothersome to me. Bothersome enough that I decide to leave -- no crackers or chips. No hedonistic indulgences for me. Good girl, right? (And this is your part where you say, "yes, Jackie, you were a good girl not buying Doritos and Wheat Thins" and then you pat me on the back commenting how it looks like I lost 10 pounds from the mere walk from my car into the store and that I'm 'looking gooooood girlfriend!')

Still talking to Houston High School Friend, I arrive back at my desk. Even though I'm engaged in conversation and logging on to my computer, I still am harboring resentment for my food craving being denied.

I hang up with Houston High School Friend and try some self talk.

After that, I venture down to the 4th floor. That's where the mail room is. That's also where the kitchen is. That's where the popcorn is kept.

You guessed it. Momma popped herself some popcorn! I paced back and forth as the bag impregnated with popcorn. Yummy!! Maybe *this* will allay my obsession, feed my addiction, taper the wanton desire for wonder twins, Crunchy and Salty.

Beep, beep, beep.

I covet my popcorn. I pick it up and open the top enough so the steam may escape and the popcorn will cool down as I walk back upstairs. But...out of the corner of my eye, I see a silver tin tray. It's full of chicken enchiladas. "must be leftovers from lunch" (our company has a lot of catered lunches therefore a lot of leftovers). I continue to say in my brain, "I could save some money and scoop some of that up in a bowl today, put it in the fridge and eat it tomorrow for lunch." Genius!!

In reality, I'm already starting on my obsession of food for tomorrow...today!

In any case, I have a bowl full of chicken enchilada leftovers sitting in my work fridge. We'll see if I actually eat it.

Back to the popcorn..... I pull out a bowl that I keep at work. It's the size you'd say, put cereal in, or ice cream. Smallish. I fill the bowl once. Scarf down the puffed corn. I fill it once more and I feel..

....maybe....

..........just......

.................maybe......

....satiated?

Could it be???

Maybe.

I was able to work and not obsess for about 30 minutes, however, my mind did wander back to Doritos and then it continued to plan for the next meal too soon.

Next meal: dinner.

I made hamburgers. Ate most of one with cheese on a bun with mustard and Mircale Whip free. Ate about four sliced pickled beets and a handful of tortilla chips, drank half a beer and a big ole cup of water.

No binging tonight - thank God. Hopefully I close this down and head straight to bed.

Now you have an idea of what some compulsive overeaters toil with throughout the day. There is an incredible amount of emotional and mental energy expended on food thoughts. If not this food in my mouth, the next food I'm going to eat. I could go on and on about how my mind works wickedly to manipulate situations about obtaining food in order to satisify cravings, but I'm tired and this blog has worn out its welcome.

On that note....

....whoosh!....