Using A Tool

Growing pains hurt.

It's easier for me to go into self-protection mode and rock myself eat for comfort.

Back when I used to go to OA meetings, my mantra was, as the 12 Steps encourage, to feel the feelings.  Fucking A I don't want to!

I'd rather be dulled, because otherwise those around me are left with this even more out-of-control Jackie.  That's not pretty.  Those of you who actually know me, intimately, know I'm already kinda wheels-off.

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I consider myself a fairly strong communicator, but admittedly, I don't do well when I need to most.  I'm either withdrawn, avoiding the issue, isolating, or I'm horribly tactless and downright vicious.  Why do there have to be extremes?

To find that middle ground is the work. 

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I've been trying for the last few weeks to do some weight work.  My blood pressure is borderline high, I'm slowly backing down from the highest weight I've ever been, blahblahblah. 

I talk out of both sides of my mouth, all while I stuff down feelings for self-protection.  

Irrational to those with logical minds. Completely rational to those who are like me.

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Today I'm pouting about doing the work. Today I'm pissed that I'm not who I want to be. Today, I'm struggling with too many emotions and they're all just pouring out of my eyes, my hands.  My busybrain wants to panic.  Yet, somewhere, nested in the cobwebs is reason and hope. 

Today is a good day.

2012 Election

Congratulations to President Obama who was re-elected last night. 

Americans:  No matter who you are, what you believe, respect the Office of the Presidency. He is Our President.

Americans:  No matter who you are, what you believe, respect the life of the man named Barak Obama. He is a PERSON who happens to be President. Rise above racial slurs, petty thoughts, demoralizing behavior.

Please.

yaddayaddaELECTIONDAYblahblahblah

As an American, it's not only my privilege and duty to vote, but I'm also called upon to task you to get out and vote. Be nice to the kids if you're voting at a school.

I voted last week - first time in a while. Not sure what motivated me to vote, but I did. The thing is, I live in Texas which is hands-down a Republican state, so, no matter how ANY Texan votes, the electoral votes are going to Romney.

HOWEVER, not ONLY a presidential election is occurring today. Even if you disagree with national politics and want to abstain, at least familiarize yourself with the local and state politics. There are Propositions and all kinds of random political jobs that are being decided today -- jobs neither of us have heard of until we sought information. 

Bottom line: think critically, decide, act.

Patriotically Signed,

Proud American-Texan-Alaskan-Eskimo Jackie

MOvember

SiMOn for MOvember.....

What say you?

The Story Of My Life & What I'm Missing

I start things and don'......

..................

You get the idea, right?

My blog reflects my brain and, truthfully, my life.  It's a series of half written, in-draft posts.  The ones you see are short, slapped up on the WW Blog in a hurry, as if you are missing me, as if I need to remind you I'm still alive and fine, as if I have that many readers (who care....).

        *laughing*

There's certainly an element of truth in the above paragraph, though.  My A.D.D. brain loves quickies of all types:  magazine articles, shows in segments, tweets.  Pictures. Yes, PICTURES! I'm like a guy -- visually minded  -- and I like to interpret them, quickly, my own way.

I miss reading long essays, research findings, and opinion pieces.  I even miss writing things that are more than 100 words.  Even studying photos or visual pieces of art, considering another person's filter other than my own, seems paradoxically taxing AND fulfilling.  I have a friend to whom I still WRITE letters. She and I exchange them (she's way more prolific than I am).  I miss letter writing and pen-pals and such.....

My brain hungers for information, yet, my brain tires easily.  I wonder if parenting and working contributes to the energy-drain that exists so often for me (refrain from comments about diet, nutrition, exercise, please and thank you).

Ultimately, I'm always writing -- in my head or with my hands.  And because of that, I'll not finish something until my life is punctuated by my death.

It's Happening

I can feel it.

It's palpable.

It makes me uneasy and comfortable at the same time.

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I'm experiencing a good amount of grief these days: in my marriage, friendships, work place, spiritually, and in my parenting.  Today's ruminations are particularly focused on the futures of My Girls.  Actually, it's not just today, it's been weeks and months now.

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Why am I feeling uneasy?

It's odd to me of how keenly and consciously hyperaware I am of raising my children. 

When I'm with them, I wonder, "will they look back at this moment in 20-30 years and think, 'my mom was a GOOD woman'".  When I'm not with them, I wonder, "will My Girls look back at their lives and wish they had more time with me? Will they blame me for not finding a way to stay home with them more? Will they be better, stronger women because of my choices, or will they find failure in themselves and me?"

Why would it make me comfortable?

I'm comfortable with it because I am affirmed that this is LIFE. I'm ALIVE. I'm feeling feelings, doing important work, thinking about someone besides myself.  It's a process, this child-rearing thing.  It makes me uneasy because the challenges I face with them are ones that allow My Girls AND *me* a chance at personal growth. 

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I'm not unlike you, am I? Do you think about your legacy like this? Do dads do this, too?

Halloween Soon

Here's a costume idea for you.....

Labyrinth

Firstly, the word "labyrinth" is a favorite word of mine. It's an odd combination of letters, which is befitting for what it actually is. 

1. an intricate combination of paths or passages in which it is difficult to find one's way or to reach the exit. 


2. a maze of paths bordered by high hedges, as in a park or garden, for the amusement of those who search for a way out.

Secondly, I want to go to France to see the Chartres Cathedral.  My church has a labyrinth encircled by a columbarium, which is modeled after the Chartres labyrinth.  It's a serene meditative tool, one of my favorite places to exist, to be, so surrender myself, to feel love inflowing and outflowing.

Third and lastly, what exquisite, complicated, yet fluid and inviting pieces of art!

To see other elaborate, breathtaking and thought provoking labyrinths, click here.

Anyone I Know Having A Baby Soon?

Besides a book, this is going to be my default gift from now on:

~Whoosh!

Wouldjya?

Would you fly in a helicopter, small plane, glider in the Trou de Fer?  I would definitely fly in a plane or helicopter!

Look at the splendor of this picture! Undoubtedly, it's even more splendorifical in real-life person!

So breathtaking.....