Love and Peace

I've been going through a lot of soul searching. I've arrived at a pretty basic conclusion. I just want to love and be loved.

People make it complicated.

*laughing*

Y'know, there's a lot of bad shit going on in the world. From my home, my neighborhood, my state, country, the world. There's just baaaaad shit. I don't even watch the news and I know the world is filled with hateful acts. I'm sick and tired of hearing about "rights" and "wars", all the sub-categories of those, and all the categories they spawn. Between hate crime, gay discrimination, women's equality, gun rights, ISIS, crooked politicians, law-breaking teachers, moralistics, apologetics, blahblahblah, I just get zapped into negative oblivion.  I feel sorry for people who lock themselves into that mode of living. It seems to me, living in a world of news will disconnect you from people.

Right now, I don't CARE that there's a mosque being built in Anytown, USA. I DON'T care that a bad verdict was handed down by a judge and jury in a criminal case. I DON'T CARE that someone committed suicide and took out a bunch of people with him.   I don't care who gets botox injections or why everyone's giving backlash at some celebrity for a tweet.  Why does any of that matter to me, right now, in my ordinary life in Dallas, Texas? When it matters is when it'll matter. When the bomb drops on me, when Harry Styles shows up to ask my daughter out on a date (not yet, Harry. Wait 4 more years.), when pigs fly....

Is it bad that I like burying my head in the sand to humanity?That's for you to decide. Hell, you can even judge me and tell me so, but it will only isolate you and I.  The more you're confrontational, the more retractive I am, and that's who I am.

If you're inclined to police society, that's who you are. I don't get it, but you people serve a good purpose, for the most part. We can all agree that there are radicals and misunderstoods out there that push the Limits of Extreme. But if you're a policy maker, policy enforcer, rule maker, rule enforcer, authority of any kind, good on ya. I'll be the sheep. Baaaa.

I'm drawn to people who listen.
I'm drawn to people who empathize.
I'm drawn to people, who despite a disagreement, will respect me enough to honor my position.

What I DO care about is do my children feel loved by me? Am I bringing them up in a way they can look at the world with a compassionate soul? Am I equipping them with the tools they need to forage through rough relationships on all levels, including their relationship with Yours Truly.

What I do CARE about is am I being kind to you, one-on-one?
What I DO CARE about is love, compassion, connection.

And here I am, among others, who are just trying to live this life one day at a time. It's ordinary, definitely below that life I imagined as  youngster. It's a good life, and I'm right where I'm supposed to be *today*. I'm not out on a peace keeping mission or feeding the hungry; I'm not researching cures for disease, fighting crime or famous.

I gotta believe in the good of the world.
I gotta believe in the basic good of humanity.
I gotta trust my higher power who will protect me and my kids.
I gotta be me (and I'm always changing...).

I do.
I will.

Your Song

My heart's been overflowing love today.
This tune crossed my way.

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It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

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~Whoosh

Not Me

I'm 44 years old and there's a lot I don't know about myself. I'm really finding my way.  I admire those women who've said they "found myself" in their 30's. What must that be like?

Reflecting on my 30's, I can say, I did become someone. I can't say I "found" it. It "found" me. Motherhood. Yeah, I became a mom in my 30's. I also became a wife. I remained a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt. I was all those things long before 30. I was also a former girlfriend, a ex-best friend, an ex-wife.

A couple of things I've always been: a sports fan, a writer, a reader. I've travelled, relocated a time or seven.

But those are rather shallow parts of me -- roles, I suppose. There's more to those roles. Being a mother, for example, spawned a myriad of other roles -- complicated ones. I don't recall ever being an advocate before having kids. I am one now! I don't remember learning much about medicine and the human body, but I'm definitely a sortakinda doctorpsychologistteacher. Speaking of teacher -- it's difficult to tell kids how to do something, especially with patience!

Another "thing" that "found" me: my faith. It was in my 30's that I really did learn more about God, about Catholicism. I was baptized on Easter Sunday nine years ago this coming Easter.

Yeah, I didn't do a lot of seeking. I did a lot of receiving. That's not so bad, except I still feel pretty lost.

Y'know, times have changed something fierce in my lifetime. My lifetime is just like that of my parents'. I compare what inventions they witnessed to those of my generation, those of this generation. It's quite mindblowing, really. Things move so fast. With the Information Age seemingly in control of us more then we it, it's easy for me to bury my head in the sand and just basically ignore the drama in the world.

I have noticed, over my lifetime, I've connected deeply with people that are strongly principled, moralistic and opinionated; strongly convicted folk. That's just not me. I don't have these WE MUST FIGHT notions of global awareness and the wrongs of the world. I don't like politics -- that's not me. I didn't grow up going to church, and I tend to cling to the "feel-good" parts of God, so I don't have the most rigid moralistic views and practices -- that's not me. I gravitate to love, love, love all the time. I don't like confrontation -- that's not me.

I imagine, as I gain wisdom and experience, I might become one or all or some of the "not me" types. For now, though, I'm just gonna be. Be Me.

YES!

Guhgree!

Dallas Cowboys Aren't Just A Football Team

I've been thinking for a few years now that the Dallas Cowboys seem to have this unpublished, unspoken of "rehab" program. So many "problem" players seem to sift through the doors of Valley Ranch, and some of them do alright, I suppose. 

Dez Bryant is a player with a troubled past. He assaulted his own mother, has been accused of assaulting the mother of his child. He seems to have turned a page since the hitting-his-mother incident. He's stayed out of domestic violence trouble and has really produced at a phenomenal rate on the field. The media says he's "matured" or "is maturing". That's one way to describe the positive change in him.

Another controversial teammate is Josh Brent. He's repeatedly been in trouble while on the roster. His offenses include DUI and even murder. He killed fellow team mate Jerry Brown while driving under the influence. He's served time in jail. That whole time, the Cowboys stood by him, supporting him through the ordeal. Josh Brent remains on the team to this day, though he doesn't really play. Not sure what that's all about....

Last week, the Cowboys signed a one year deal with Greg Hardy last week. Greg Hardy has abused his girlfriend in the past -- real, documented, againstthelaw abuse. Yet, he's now a Cowboy. 

Jerry Jones, the owner and GM of the Cowboys has a daughter named Charlotte, who discussed the rationale of signing men who have these sorts of pasts. She cited "support" and "resources" for the perpetrator and the victim. 

Now it's been acknowledged. The hunch I've had for a while now: The Dallas Cowboys are the NFL's rehab.

Read: Jackie After O

Second book read this year: Jackie After O by Tina Cassidy.

Jackie O is a timelessly intriguing figure, similar to Marilyn Monroe. I was drawn to this book because I wanted to validate my suppositions about her: a strong, smart woman known for her independence and perseverance. I wondered if this book would enlighten the public about some intimate details the public didn't already know. Of course, bear in mind, my definition of the "the public" and "didn't already know" is very narrow. I was alive when Kennedy got shot, and I'm certainly not a historian. Most of my knowledge was based in what I've heard and see about her in the context of her first husband. 

But I didn't know much about her and her second marriage. Basically I knew she remarried, avowed to one of the richest Greek shipping magnates. That's about it. 

As a mom, I wondered how her relationship with her kids was affected by this marriage. As a dreamer of travelling, I wondered if Jackie's life became one of globetrotting philanthropy between extended voyages aboard the Christina. I wondered if she spent her days sun bathing and reading, socializing. 

I learned a LOT about Jackie Onassis while reading this biography. I highly recommend it. It's not all about her as a widow of JFK. I found myself separating Jackie from "the JFK incident" and seeing her as HER.

Give it read. Feel free to leave some feedback if you do.

A Tip for Ash Wednesday in Downtown Dallas

I started a new job in belly of downtown Dallas. I am still learning my way around, taking walks, foraging for food. In my wanderings, I found a Catholic church that isn't the Cathedral: St. Jude's Chapel.

St. Jude's Chapel has four Masses on Ash Wednesday: 11 a.m., 11:40 a.m., 12:30 p.m. and 5:10 p.m. (Call ahead to make sure these haven't changed year to year.)

If you are Catholic and work (or are otherwise in the area) in downtown Dallas, and you want to attend Ash Wednesday Mass to receive your ashes during your lunch hour, I highly encourage you to attend the 11 a.m. Mass! It was fuller than usual (daily  mass), but there were still a handful places to sit. After Mass, ushers routed foot traffic from inside the church through one of the two sets of doors. They had people lining up outside the other set of doors before allowing them entrance.

I wormed my way through the aisles, eventually trekking my way back to the office.  I had to cut through a line of people waiting to get inside the church that was about ONE BLOCK LONG and growing!  I really don't know how all those people will inside that little church, but I'm sure the ushers know what to do! I left feeling glad I attended the 11:00 Mass. :)

Anyway, my advice is clear: Go to the 11:00 Mass (and save me a seat if all y'all start going then too)!

Happy Lent!

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Addendum: A co-worker said at the last minute, a 1:00 p.m. Mass was added to the schedule and it wasn't nearly as packed as 11:40 and 12:30.

Ash on, brothers & sisters!

Valentine's Day: Orange is the New Red

I think it's fair to say that most, if not all, parents are challenged with instilling the character trait of 'respect' into their children.  That's a two-way street. Speak to your kids with respect, receive their respect. The truth of the matter is, that doesn't always reciprocate, especially in equal proportions.

A few years ago, a friend of mine shared an entry from a blog on her Facebook timeline. It was from a website called The Orange Rhino found here.  I was intrigued by the name of the website (hey, it's cute!) so I clicked on the link to see what it was all about. I was directed to a Challenge page. 

The Challenge: don't yell at your kids for a year.

As I read through the page, I was reminded of the many times I yelled at My Children and how it only made all of us feel worse. I'd yell at them for not doing chores, or leaving their backpacks on the floor, forgetting to feed the dog, talking rudely to one another. I wasn't always a yeller. As with most mothers, I have a "look" and a "tone", which I employed on occasion.  After feeling unsuccessful over a lengthy period of time, I resorted to yelling to get their attention.

Too, as I read through the challenge, I remembered feeling belittled when I was yelled at as a youth - any time I'm yelled at, to this day!  I don't want to belittle My Children. I want to bolster them, allow them their independence while still honoring what courtesies and obligations are necessary to be a part of the family unit.  I want them to feel empowered, not squashed.  I didn't name call them, nor did I say phrases like "you're lazy", "how disappointing", etc. I did yell phrases such as, "how could you??" and "WHY would you DO THAT?!" and "why DIDN'T you do that??".  I was frustrated with other life goings-on, or lack thereof, so I was taking those frustrations out on them.

(Ugh, I feel a pang of shame in my belly just typing it right now!)

The most important aspect of yelling I learned from this blog: yelling is about ME. It's my frustration for not being heard, respected, validated, acknowledged. It's about my shortcomings: impatience, intolerance, inability.  Yelling is disrespectful.

The Valentines Day, my Valentine is The Orange Rhino

I haven't purchased the book & various marketing items. I haven't blogged about it (until today). To be perfectly honest, I have only ever visited the website twice: that day it found me a couple years ago, and again today, in order to reference it for this blog entry. I did, however, tell My Daughters, about three months or so into it. They held me accountable, which I embraced. It was difficult at times, but mostly, I felt liberated. What resulted was a more harmonious home, and even more remarkable: a more full way to love.  I have learned to be a more patient teacher, a kinder caregiver, more compassionate - to them and myself. Where I lacked in ability, I have sought ability. Thankfully, forgiveness is a big player in the relationships between me and My Girls. I feel closer to them more now than ever!  I pray that my behavior change is something they internalize and, as they become mothers, they organically love with patience, prayer and compassion.

Do I still get a "tone" and use that "look", yes! But I am here to tell you that the no-yelling WORKS, and I have had to rarely use the "look" and "tone". I still get frustratedvoice, but the volume stays at acceptable levels.  I'll always be a work in progress.

I'm so grateful to my friend who posted this website on her Facebook timeline! This website changed my life, and ultimately, the lives of my children!

So Happy Valentine's Day to The Orange Rhino! Thanks for bring me L-O-V-E!

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Are you a yeller? Try the challenge. You can do it!

Racism Sensitivity

A couple of weeks ago, MLO had a friend spend the night. We went shopping, and the girls were looking at various little toys they like: Shopkins, My Little Pony blind bags, Funko POP dolls, and the like. They settled on the My Little Pony Mystery Minis.

MLO: Oh! Here they are in the black boxes!
Friend: shhh! Don't say that! That's racist!
MLO: What is?
Friend: *whispers* black
MLO: It's not racist.
Friend: uh huh *looks over her shoulders*
MLO: No, it isn't. Mom, is it racist to call this 'black'?

I smile.

Me: No, it isn't. You're describing the color of the box. And even still, black people don't mind being called 'black'. It's okay to say it.

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Is that what our society has come to?
I shudder to think the answer is 'yes'.

Come on, Humans. Step up your game. We're better than that.

~WW

Year Fourteen

Daddy,

Has it really been that long?

I guess so....

Where does the time go?

Fourteen years ago you winked in the wake of your death, leaving me a better woman than even the hour before you died.

I wish you were here.
Every.
Day.
In a way where I could laugh with you, play some cards and hug on ya. In a way where my kids can get your wisdom directly from you. But I will always be glad to carry that duty for you and mom. Always.

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Today one your favorite songs played:

There were seven Spanish angels at the Altar of the Sun
They were praying for the lovers at the Valley of the Gun
When the battle stopped and the smoke cleared,
There was thunder from the throne,
And seven Spanish angels, took another angel home.

Just thought I'd let you know I know.

Missing you,
Me

P.S. I found a penny on the train today. Thanks, Daddy. I love you, too.
~Juliette