Not Loving These Things About Myself

My dad died in 2001. My mom never remarried. She might've dated one person & it was for about five minutes.

Growing up, I don't remember having any "best friends", except one. They had a falling out, but I don't remember why. They reunited later in life but it was never the same. Another lady befriended my mother when she lived in San Angelo & mom was so glad to have a friend again -- someone you could run around town with, go to each other's house & just hang, gossip. That lady ended up stealing money from my mom.

Mom didn't have a healthy upbringing. Mom lost her own mother when she was in childbirth. My grandmother & the baby both died. Mom was only six years old. Her dad was abusive, like the kind of abusive you say, "that person doesn't deserve to be alive" kind of shit. Verbal, physical & sexual abuse was always present. My mother didn't complete high school. It's no wonder mom got married at 15; seemed better to get married & have two kids by 17 than live with that......person. (Her dad died before I was ever a twinkle in the stars. I'd like to think there's something redeeming about him.)

In true Abuse Repeat Cycle phenomenon, mom's first two marriages were abusive, too. The first husband kidnapped their kids & mom chased them all over the country trying to love them till she just couldn't find them anymore. He was in construction so he could up & leave, plant new (shallow) roots anywhere. Based on the stories she shared, he was quite the scoundrel & later I'd learn the two boys she birthed by age seventeen were also quite raucous heathens, as well. Meeting these "brothers" was exciting, but there's no happy ending really. I'm pretty sure they don't know my - our - mom has passed away. I wonder if they ever wonder about her.

More stories of what, these days, would be called "toxic masculinity" & worse continued in to that second marriage. My Brother was born, but he never got to know his real dad. Allegedly, he signed away full custody of My Brother on the heels of a fight, a car fire & some jail time. 

There were Army Wives dinners & socials, the couples friends, volunteering in the schools, but as you can see, my mom never knew the permanence of a relationship. She seems to have limited experience in bonding with her peers. I think she loved my dad, but somewhere along the way, he became function: provider. Sure, they had some good times, but I think mom needed stability, and his job kind of forced him to behave at home. He'd drink, so would she. He'd yell, so would she. He'd gamble & break the bank. He hit her a couple times that I recall. 

She was an avid bowler before & after dad died, until she just couldn't anymore. The fellow league mates became her primary social life until she moved to the Dallas area, where My Brother and I have planted roots. Then we became her social life. Oh! And her doctors. 

I watched my mom's life....dwindle. 

Her life became watching television, napping and shopping.

I remember visiting her and she'd talk about how she had no one to talk to so her brain didn't quite function clearly. We'd giggle about the silly mis-pronunciations or "brain farts" as she'd call them. 

Of course, the more ill she became, she slept more, but before being ill, she still napped a lot. Sometimes I'd call her, causing her to wake up; or she wouldn't answer then later, when we spoke, she'd say, "sorry, babe, I didn't hear the phone ring - I was asleep!".

I took these observations & experiences in to my therapist's office. I remember complaining that my mom could be doing so much more, but she's not. I even thought it was pathetic. I didn't want my life to be like hers....alone, small, boring.

I'm becoming her.

I have no friendships that are "every day". I have deep, close, rich, bonded friendships, most of them live out of town. But I'd love to have that person, or group of person. 

I have attended some sports-centered gatherings, but those are all superficial. I've been tied in to a group of women who love sports & The Ticket in a private chat room on Twitter (X) for several years. We've met, but they've all cliqued up and I haven't fit in anywhere.

I'm bored with my life. I can't afford to do anything extravagant. My heart & soul LONGS to travel, but I'm giving up on those dreams. I'm actually grieving them.

I'm interested in volunteering, but am overwhelmed by the possibilities.

Being home costs money. I haven't even been able to afford my utilities. I've stripped down a lot of my subscriptions. I'm to the point where I'm like, "I'll turn on this light because it's one bulb instead of the four in that light". 

I want to exercise but I don't.

I want to eat better but I don't.

I want to create things but I don't.

I have the time to learn, but I feel lazy.

I want to read books, but I play games on my phone.

I need to clean my house and do yardwork but I turn on the television and become a couch potato.

I feel STUCK.

I wonder if my mom felt this way and that's why she chose television as entertainment, napping to escape boredom & shopping as a social life.

I will say this: As a result of my marriage & the subsequent divorce trauma, I've been purposefully laying pretty low. With MLO almost 18, I'll be free of all those bonds. I do hope some of these awarenesses I'm experiencing are awakenings, growing seeds. I do hope when that day arrives, I'll be out in the world more (and more financially stable!). This single mom stuff is HARD, and I know there are women out there who've had it WAY harder than I have.

I don't want my life to be like my mom's. While I no longer think she's pathetic like I once did, I do wish she was around so I could delve more into her psyche about the choices she made. I don't want to be alone and lonely.