I haven't been working since April. I confess it's partly welcome. I've never not worked since I was 19. For the better part of the last decade, I've been the breadwinner at home. I'm proud of my accomplishments considering I have no college degree. My accomplishments, thought, have come from necessity, not "drive" or "ambition".
Being a working mother, I've harbored years and years of heavy guilt. I've hated myself for not being able to be a stay-at-home mother, something I value. (Since I've been a working mother all my kid's lives, I certainly know the value of balancing home-work responsibilities, too!)
The summer was lovely in that I was able to do a lot with my kids and family. Now that school has started back up and my job seeking attempts have proven infertile thus far, I'm flailing around a bit. Some days, I feel depressed. Those particular days, I feel the Other Guilt.
The Other Guilt is the guilt of being a stay-at-home mother and not financially contributing to the family. We're in a pretty big fluctuation of budget adjustment, as well as a lifestyle adjustment. It's not like we were taking wildly extravagant vacations several times a year, buying whatever we want. But we didn't take ANY vacation this summer. The kids, of course, have that itch to go somewhere. We even got passports for everyone in hopes of taking an international trip sometime soon. The kids are used to my little impulse buys. For example, we're in the check-out line at Target and MLO will see a My Little Pony mini-figure she wants, I'd tell her to add it to the grocery basket. If Boa found a new book she wanted, we'd go get it. Now, I'm saying, "we don't have enough money right now," and "you have enough of them," or "we can get check it out from the library". I'm sure you get the idea.
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What a curious transition. I figured the guilt of working would go away; instead, it found a new home.
I don't want to be ruled by guilt anymore.
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There's a lot of time on my hands right now. And I'm finding that I need to be productive. I need to generate. Sitting still is difficult for me. (Remind me I said that when I come home from dropping the kids off at school and go back to sleep until 1:00 p.m., please.)
I have to do a lot of self-talk to get motivated to do things. Sometimes I have to guilt myself into doing thing. There it is again -- GUILT.
When will I settle into acceptance?
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Furthermore, I've been doing deep soul-searching. As most of us at one point in our lives does, I'm beginning to wonder WHAT IS THE POINT? What happens if there's no Heaven? What if I was a non-believer? Why do I care about helping others? Why do I try to be a better person? What's the "better" going to do for the world? For me? WHAT'S THE POINT?
Are we a population wandering about a planet just doing STUFF until we die? And this STUFF -- WHAT'S THE POINT of it?
I'll learn an instrument. Big deal. I'll read more books, like fingers to printed page books. Big whoop. I might even talk to someone about it. Meh. Okay -- so we have something in common. WHAT'S THE POINT of having "something in common" with someone?
I'll be a parent. I'll be a partner. I'll be a worker. I'll be a leader. I'll be a sheep.
I'll do chores. I'll do fun activities. I'll do what I'm asked to do.
WHAT IS THE POINT?
Even if The Point is to serve one another for the pleasure of a Higher Power, what does that matter? My soul will get to some plane somewhere and just ... what? Kill more time? Exist through another type of suffering until some OTHER plane is achieved (endured?)?
When you die that’s it.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) September 15, 2014
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No, I'm not abandoning my calls to be the best Jackie I can be. No, I'm not walking away from responsibilities. I'm just *wondering*. It's what I do.
Then I act.
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