It's Been A Long Time...

Hey.

*soft smile*

I, uh, know it's been a long time since we've seen each other. It's mostly my own doing, my fault, y'know? I do this thing where I clam up or, *shrug*, go into a cave, so to speak. I really don't understand why I do it, and truthfully, not sure I really want to. It's part of who I am. I'm learning to accept those Jackie-quirks; hoping you do too. 

For too long, I've let other people kinda dictate what I do, what I say, how I say it. It's really not healthy.  *slow inhale/exhale*  Gah, this is hard - so hard. *nervous laugh* It's one thing to think it quietly in my own head, and another to *wipes brow* say it OUT LOUD, to YOU. I mean, I have it perfectly scripted in my headbrain. There's a pretty, red, sparkly bow at the end of the conversation -- just like in all the sitcoms on TV. Then, we actually do the actual talking in actual facetofaceness and, well, yeah....no bow and stuff. 

Feelings have been hurt. Feelings have been unheard. Yours. Mine. 

Been doing some meditation and trying to understand myself better in that whole *air quotes* FEELINGS thing -- taking ownership, giving permission to myself to rock a boat, to go against the popular opinion, allow feelings to enter and leave like a visitor, or *more air quotes* consider the right thing to do. What the eff is *violent air quotes* RIGHT, anyway? I mean -- aw, screw it. It's just that..... *head shake*... well, I'm worried you'll judge me or blame me for stuff that, frankly, isn't my fault. Do you need me to call more often? Send emails or private messages via Facebook, text? For that matter, do you have to be the scheduler of when we can meet? And why isn't an hour or two here and there better than nothing? And what's wrong with meeting at MY house sometimes? 

*agitated*

Ah yes....and there it is. The scorecard. Somewhere along the way, we started playing these stupid games of keeping score of who calls who more and why can't you see me at time X instead of time A? Do your kids have to be there? Can you bring your kids, too?? I don't see you enough. I guess I'll see you next year. 

The GUILT. Damn the guilt. WHY? Why do I do that? Why do I let you have that power ove me?

Oh. Right. Because I'm not a heartless bitch. I'm too nice, I guess. 

*pregnant pause*

Look, maybe I shouldn't have come. I probably shouldn't have even said anything. Yeah, bad idea all around, I'm thinking. Pretty sure this'll stress our relationship even more, whatever's left of it. I just wish SEEING you didn't have to be the measure of value of my love for you, that's all. 

*step-stutters toward the door*

So, uh, I'll leave you with that, I guess. Not sure what to say or do from here, so I'm gonna go. 

*tucks hair behind ear*

No matter what, my love for you never diminishes. The value you have in my life doesn't either. I'm done playing the games. K? K.

So, uh, take care. Love ya.

*awkward smile*

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