The Illness of Guilt

Illness has befallen my family, except Boa. My Little One has been on antibiotics for strep throat since Valentine's Day, when she came home crying. She threw open the front door, bawling and whaling about how much her head, throat and belly hurt. We took her right away to CareNow and sure enough, positive strep.

As the weekend went on, my husband started feeling sick, but wasn't bedridden. He goes to bed early on Sunday, feeling pretty crappy.  Monday, he's staying home from work. He'd been running a fever, aching, etc.

Me? I go to work on Monday. Then, around 11 a.m., I start feeling stiffness in my neck, across my shoulders. I can barely keep my eyes open due to the immense headache consuming my brain. I try to sleep it off for an hour in my car, after telling my boss about how I'm feeling. I tried going back to work and working through "it", but I couldn't. I left.

I don't remember driving home.

My husband and I both went to CareNow. He tested positive for flu. My test revealed negative for flu. For the record, he received a flu shot this season;  I didn't.

Tuesday, today, I'm still home. So tired. So worn out. Fighting fevers, chills, shivering, sweating, teeth chattering, headache after headache, nausea, wheezing (but not much coughing), body aching. I felt so much pain overnight that moaning and groaning seemed to be the only relief I could find, temporary at best.

All day long yesterday and today, I've fretted about work. I'm worried how it looks -- am I lying? Who else is noticing my absence and thinking ill of me? - that sort of paranoia. I feel guilty for not being there. Why? Why don't I give myself permission to be sick...ever?  Doesn't that kind of guilt only harbor more illness - emotional, physical, spiritual?

I should note that my feelings aren't limited to who my boss is or who my employer is; I feel this way no matter where I go and for whom I work.  I'm blessed to have the job I currently have and I don't want to jeopardize it.

It's getting late, so I'm going to take my final dose of cough medicine and get some sleep. Hopefully I'll make it through the night and get back to work tomorrow.

Whoosh!