"Every day I make an effort to go towards what I don't understand"
~ Yo Yo Ma ~
My friend, Sunday Jeans, posted that as her Facebook status today. I read it and thought, "Yep, that's me."
That's also Sunday. We're like peanut butter and chocolate that way. I love that Sunday 'gets' me in a special way. She and I are a lot alike, as we have extremely similar upbringings -- facets about our childhood, specifically our formative years, that we struggle with in adulthood. We also tend to use academics to help us with our emotions and the emotions of others. We tend to cope with emotions in a clinical manner.
I am a psychology major, though I cannot list the great psychological minds of history. I cannot recite to you theories and psychologists if you paid me a million dollars. I know who you know: Freud, Piaget, Pavlov. I know bits and pieces, enough to sound intelligent and carry a conversation at a dinner party. I know enough to influence the way I parent sometimes. I know enough, but always willing to learn more. What I know isn't absolute. It is moveable. I can be -- and have been on PLENTY of occasions -- wrong.
To tell someone I study psychology is risky. In terms of interpersonal/intimate relationships I'm told, "don't give me that psychobabble", "you're doing reverse psychology on me", "quit playing psychologist" or "you're playing mind games with me". It also is amazing to walk through life with this particular interest because it lends itself to the deepest depths and richest, limitless value in life, people, relationships: "someone finally understands", "I never thought of it like that", "I miss your 'unconditional'", "I can't tell anyone else this...". Frequent words spoken to me by friends and aquaintances: "evaluate me", "tell me what you see in me", "can you tell me what my issues are?". All compliments for sure, and for which I gratefully accept. That deep depth and life richness helps me endure the harshness of the other.
I am a psychology major, though I cannot list the great psychological minds of history. I cannot recite to you theories and psychologists if you paid me a million dollars. I know who you know: Freud, Piaget, Pavlov. I know bits and pieces, enough to sound intelligent and carry a conversation at a dinner party. I know enough to influence the way I parent sometimes. I know enough, but always willing to learn more. What I know isn't absolute. It is moveable. I can be -- and have been on PLENTY of occasions -- wrong.
To tell someone I study psychology is risky. In terms of interpersonal/intimate relationships I'm told, "don't give me that psychobabble", "you're doing reverse psychology on me", "quit playing psychologist" or "you're playing mind games with me". It also is amazing to walk through life with this particular interest because it lends itself to the deepest depths and richest, limitless value in life, people, relationships: "someone finally understands", "I never thought of it like that", "I miss your 'unconditional'", "I can't tell anyone else this...". Frequent words spoken to me by friends and aquaintances: "evaluate me", "tell me what you see in me", "can you tell me what my issues are?". All compliments for sure, and for which I gratefully accept. That deep depth and life richness helps me endure the harshness of the other.
Psychology as a study, taken as a whole, is tricky soft science. The Powers That Be and Society At Large, tries to "universalize" the human condition, meaning, compartmentalize or categorize in order to make predictions. It's a science that bleeds into all other sciences, except maybe the hard sciences. The hard sciences, though, even have a faction of studies where psychology and physics meet -- you know, "if you set your mind to it, you can change it" and that process of actual thought is measurable because brain waves are physical. (I don't get it either.....*laughing*)
Telling someone I'm a student of psychology means that person is on sentry. Guard goes up in a unique way. It isn't like the guard one posts when meeting new people at a party, or early dating life, or in I-am-only-here-by-force guard. No. It's different. There's this conscious wonder that I can SEE. S/He wonders how I'm assessing, evaluating, studying, measuring. Being able to feel this tension makes me sad. It is never my intention to make you feel invaded. Rest assured, I don't do any of that. I am like you -- I make the same judgements on first impressions or look at situations and filter information. I'm not interested in playing head games with anyone. I've been on that side of the relationship and I've been damaged.
More personally, being in a relationship with me can be very easy or very complicated -- so I'm told. I doubt this is unusual for any of us, truthfully. You've probably heard that about yourself and said it about someone else. The fact of the matter is, we all cross wires. In intimate relationships, especially, I am told I'm "clinical" or "academic" when dealing with emotional issues. I suppose there's a truth to that statement, and it would be fair to say that it's a defense or coping mechanism of sorts. Because I believe in becoming a better person each day, I do expect you to do it too. But even I need a break from progression, as do you. Being still is needed.
Telling someone I'm a student of psychology means that person is on sentry. Guard goes up in a unique way. It isn't like the guard one posts when meeting new people at a party, or early dating life, or in I-am-only-here-by-force guard. No. It's different. There's this conscious wonder that I can SEE. S/He wonders how I'm assessing, evaluating, studying, measuring. Being able to feel this tension makes me sad. It is never my intention to make you feel invaded. Rest assured, I don't do any of that. I am like you -- I make the same judgements on first impressions or look at situations and filter information. I'm not interested in playing head games with anyone. I've been on that side of the relationship and I've been damaged.
More personally, being in a relationship with me can be very easy or very complicated -- so I'm told. I doubt this is unusual for any of us, truthfully. You've probably heard that about yourself and said it about someone else. The fact of the matter is, we all cross wires. In intimate relationships, especially, I am told I'm "clinical" or "academic" when dealing with emotional issues. I suppose there's a truth to that statement, and it would be fair to say that it's a defense or coping mechanism of sorts. Because I believe in becoming a better person each day, I do expect you to do it too. But even I need a break from progression, as do you. Being still is needed.
I have no plans to ever become a psychologist at any level, which explains why my retention of rote facts about psychology is poor. The main reason I became interested in the study of human behavior is because I want to understand my own suffering. I want to understand my own behavior(s). I want to be able to understand others similarly. I want to progress as a person. Why? So I could love better, and be loved better.
What I extrapolate from studying psychology is simply, the human condition, more specifically YOUR humanness as it unfolds in the experience of our relationship, and MY humanness as it unfolds in the experience of our relationship.
Sure, I throw out words like "validated", "formative years", "co-dependent", "addictive", "family of origin". I also use words like "I love you" to almost every one. I use "I understand", "I can accept that", "I want to understand", "help me understand", "thank you", "you're amazing" and many, many bolstering words. I have grown in my ability to love others. I've grown in my ability to be loved. I've grown in the self-love aspect of my being, as well. Of COURSE I still struggle with all of these things daily. I've certainly had my inner and outer tantrums about not being given a 40th birthday party, missing out on concerts or social events because of xyz, wishing I was somewhere else or with someone else. I still daydream about single life, travelling abroad, wanting MORE out of my life. Even though I feel unsettled or unhappy, but I continue to find hope and I continue to place faith in growth. I look to forgive and seek forgiveness. I look for worth and need to feel worthy. I used to think of that as a weakness, and sometimes I still do. But it isn't. Everyone needs to feel like they matter.
In the end, isn't about the people? Isn't our life about who we touch and how we are touched by others? Isn't our precious time on earth meant to be to reconcile one another? There's no entitlement, no promise of pure joy and happiness. But what we have are the gifts of each other and the gifts within ourselves to offer, selflessly.
So, I offer a lifetime of apologies for the times I've ever made you feel judged, unaccepted, rejected, less than. I'm doing the best I can. It's not any better than you are. It's not any worse. I am just me -- just Jackie, and I love you.
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