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| NOT Psychology |
I'm at UTD trying to read chapter five in my text book. Not much is motivating me (obviously -- look what I'm doing!).
I've found that it's easier for me to come to the school library to have some uninterrupted reading time, but I've also noticed that in my time here, my mind is very sinuous and scattered. Part of is the time of day I'm usually here -- night time. I'm tired, spent. I don't want to be studying. I would much rather be home watching television, playing Wii, cleaning house -- anything except study!
I have issues with reading comprehension. I've not been formally diagnosed, but I can tell after some exposure to the testing process, and from my habits and test scores in college, that this is a real issue for me. With that said, reading for one class is like a part time job! It takes me a ridiculous amount of time to (1) get motivated to read, (2) sit still long enough to read [without going to sleep], (3) read, (4) understand what I've read.
At home, my family interrupts me. It's not intentional or with malicious intent; it just happens. If they aren't interrupting me, then I'm interrupting myself. I will find all sorts of internet distractions, The King (bed) distractions, TV distractions, and so on -- you get the idea. So, this isolation in an institution dedicated for knowledge building and minimal intrusion is ideal.
Once the Act of Congress has been passed, and the planets, moon, sun and stars have been perfectly aligned in such a manner that I sit and read tonight, I'm derailed by a thought: what if I'm not taking this seriously enough?
And then I think: Am I taking for granted the fact that I already have a pretty good-paying job? Am I neglecting my studies because at the core of my financial and family life, I really don't NEED to do this?
Going back to school was intended to complete my degree so I could ultimately teach. I want to be home when my kids are home and be off more. Going back to school was also intended to be on the principle of finishing the damn degree! Going back to school was also mildly driven by a couple of different ideals.
Firstly, I like the idea of My Kids valuing education more than I have (at least as it appears on paper). If both My Husband and I have college degrees, they could look up to us, admire us, and achieve a certain level of intrinsic and/or extrinsic success. An expectation would be set that they should aspire to complete college, too.
Also, I've been known to not finish what I start. I've been trying hard to finish what I start. So, I'm trying to finish what I started back in 1989.
But, sitting here tonight, kind of glossing over the text that's discussing Bowlby's theories of attachment, I became frustrated.
How come I'm not making note cards to study the different theorists and their theories? Why aren't I taking it more seriously? Why am I not reading the information boxes in the pages of this text book? Why aren't I jotting notes in class or highlighting words as I read them? How come I'm not doing enough? And what is enough? Do I feel like I'll pass the test based on some wordy answers? (I can't because it's a bubble test and I'm horrible at bubble tests! They are my education nemesis!)
I have a brief paper due weekly. I'm enjoying that part immensely. I have to read these mythological claims about child-rearing and discuss some aspect of them, usually in conjunction with what's in the text book. It's writing. I like writing, and for the most part, I can do enough to get by.
...to get by.
Why would I settle for that? How can I expect my children to achieve and have passion for education, learning and the process of cognitive, critical thinking if *I* am merely doing enough to get by?
Now the question remains: how do I change my faulted thinking and actions?
*yawn*
I'll sleep on it....
*wink*
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