Litany of Humility

In April, I was gifted with the time of going on a women's retreat from Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon. It was ever healing, filled with God's Grace and Forgiveness. While there, I saw this prayer on a bookmark and wrote it down in my notebook.

In a way, when I take a cursory glance at the list, it burdens me. I am burdened knowing that I need to be delivered from some of these things even though I haven't ever thought until the moment I read this prayer that I desired any/all of these "unvirtues". I mean, aren't some of these things human nature? Aren't these various forms of validation and love (and EVERYONE needs validation and love!)?

I would contend there are some universal truths in the litany, it's wrong to desire to be esteemed, extolled, etc., especially at the expense of others. But is it wrong to want to be noticed. To be seen.  To be.

It didn't take long for me to realize that in some form or another, my ego gets the best of me, then I feel an onus. I am not burdened by the previously unnoticed desires, rather, I am burdened by them even though I've never called them by name.  (Does that even make sense?!)

This litany itemizes my "unvirtues", pulls me into their light and interrogates me. The fear-filled woman I was prior to prayer dissolves and I feel at rest, serene and fortified post-prayer.

This blessed litany itemizes that of which needs reconciliation, attention, contrition. It breathes and moves in ways that can be applied to all facets of my life in various degrees.

Possibly needless to say, I am praying it more often, and at the same time, I pray to be cognizant of that which I've unconsciously overseen and omitted -- and on the other end of the continuum -- that which I've kept on 'ignore' status.

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart,

Hear me.the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.From the desire of being loved...

From the desire of being extolled ...

From the desire of being honored ...

From the desire of being praised ...

From the desire of being preferred to others...

From the desire of being consulted ...

From the desire of being approved ...

From the fear of being humiliated ...

From the fear of being despised...

From the fear of suffering rebukes ...

From the fear of being calumniated ...

From the fear of being forgotten ...

From the fear of being ridiculed ...

From the fear of being wronged ...

From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...

That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ...

That others may be chosen and I set aside ...

That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...

That others may be preferred to me in everything...

That others may become holier than I,provided that I may become as holy as I should.

Amen

Pinkie Pie Pony

I went on Saturday to get my hair done. My Little One did, too....by accident!  I swear!

My Little One wants to have black hair.  Yes.  Black!  The last two or three times we've been to the salon, she asks Our Stylist, "Do you have any black hair dye today?"  Our Stylist smiles, fumbles around in her drawer of many colors and shoots me some eyes, you know the ones.  "Ummmm, nope.  Looks like I used up my last tube yesterday, Little One."

Little One (in a whisper):  Mama.  Do you think she has blue?
Me (in a whisper and smiling):  I don't know, baby.  We could ask her.
Little One (not in a whisper & looking up at Our Stylist):  Do you have bluuuuue?
Our Stylist:  Noooo, but I have *opens up the magic drawer*  piiiinnnnkkkkk.
Little One (overjoyed):  That'd be fine!

So, Our Stylist picked out a chunk of golden blonde and worked the hot pink dye onto My Little One's hair.  It was one little chunk -- not all over.  Then My Little One sat under the hair dryer, reading her Katie Loves the Kittens book, drinking an Ozarka.

I take my place in the chair and ask, "so, does that wash out over a couple days or what?"
Stylist:  It'll last the summer at least.
Me:  hahahahahaha!  It's permanent!  Really??!!  hahahahaha
Stylist (laughing too):  Yes, but I can bleach it out no problem if you decide you don't like it.
Me:  I can't believe I didn't think to ask about that before now!  It'll be fine....this should be fun.  Should be a cute thing to do for the summer.  Oh, but My Eldest is going to be sooooo jealous!
Stylist:  Tell Your Eldest I will give her blue or teal, something darker that we can change more easily than that pink.
Me *nodding, still smiling, incredulous at my airheadedness):  Yeah...  Okay.  This is gonna be good.

So, taaa daaaaa!  You have to look pretty hard to really see it, but there's a faint pink tinge running through part of My Little One's hair.  She feels like a pony who has a multi colored mane like in My Little Pony, or more realistically, a mermaid (since that's her 'thing' right now).

And, yes, she IS wearing a Halloween shirt with a giant black cat with the word PURRRRSONALITY underscoring the cat.

Monsignor's Prayer

I made it to Mass on Saturday night and cried quite a bit.  I heard bits and pieces of the homily, but mostly I admired him, dressed in red and gold, beaming in glory.  I also made it to two of the four Sunday Masses.  I wanted to attend one by myself so I could hear him and what God is saying to me, so I did.  Then My Eldest had to attend the final Mass because she sings in the children's choir.  I took a couple photos but haven't figured out how to take them off my phone yet.  Anyway, I managed to retain one of his favorite prayers that he asked the Assembly to repeat with him.  (I was so choked up I couldn't say it out loud, but I did move my mouth to the sound.)

You in Me.
Me in You.
One Heart.

God in Me.
God in You.
One God.

*sigh*

Simple and deep.  True.  Raw.  All-encompassing.  Perfect.

Music Minute: Metric

I fell into liking this band by accident.  I missed their show when the swung through town a few months back, but I find myself  keeping up with them here and there and, well, everywhere.  Amazingly, I heard one of their songs at a Dallas Stars game or two over the course of this last season, and I even heard them on Dallas radio a few weeks back.  Whoa, Nellie!

Anyway, this band is called Metric.  They're a Canadian talent that seems to be big up yonder, as well as across the pond.  Here's hoping they have some SUCCEXY in the States, too.

~whoosh~

Death and Resurrection: A Story About A Girl and A Priest

I was dead when I first saw him.  I wasn't interested in being alive, especially enlivened by him.  Yet, I was oddly attracted and couldn't stay away.

Then...it happened.

My chest burst open and the death inside me rushed out.  In the madness of it all, life settled in and my soul was resurrected.

The same man will die this weekend and I can't do anything to stop it.  His death is a death to me, too.

I'm powerless.

I am dying again.  I am dying by the departure of the man who brought me to life.

Yes, he was "only" the vessel, but his mere existence converted me.  

I'm finding that I'm almost as sad as when my dad died, which makes sense.  When I first met My Husband, my biological father had just been diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer.  One father departing, another entering.  Cycle of Life, wouldn't you agree?  (On a side note, I was also pregnant!)

When I met My Husband, the only draw back to him was that he is Catholic.  It's also important to stress that when I met My Husband, I was Agnostic AND anti-Catholic.

My, my, my how times have changed.

I remember the first time My Husband mentioned going to church with him.  I cringed inside.  I smiled outside.  I nodded my head graciously like a kind, Southern girl, pulling strands of wind-blown hair from my cheek and tucking it behind my ear.  Inside, I was so disappointed.  But I liked him enough to want to spend ANY time with him ....even if it was at church!

So I went.

The church was empty yet gorgeous.  I felt swallowed by the simplicity, and the crucifix.  I was intimidated as we sat there waiting for Mass to start.

Mass never started.  Not that night anyway.  My Husband got the times all mixed up, so we tried again another day.  And then my spiritual life was never the same.

Monsignor Don is a father figure to me.  Between My Husband and Monsignor and the death of my biological father, I was brought to God the Father.  It wasn't until my biological father actually died did I really embrace a belief in God the Father. 

This seems an overly dramatic way to tell you that my favorite priest is retiring this weekend.  Pentecost will be his last homilies in my church.  I can't tell you how heartbroken and utterly grief-stricken I am.  I knew the day was coming.  I knew his calming voice, shiny bald head, flowing frocks in the split sunlight wouldn't last my lifetime, and I didn't want the day to come ever.  Like a petulant four year old being denied my way, I am pouting.  

The upside to this weekend is that My Eldest will be singing in the choir.  The angelic voices of children singing will surely make me blubber uncontrollably, but I will indeed, be revived....again.

 

Miss you already, Monsignor!  xo

P.S. If you are interested in reading or hearing him, please reference below:

Pastoral Reflections
WRR Classical 101.1 FM - Pastoral Reflections every Sunday morning at 10:00
Pastoral Reflections Institute

If You Only Knew...

...how many blogs in draft I have, you'd be amazed. 

I haven't been blogging as much because I've been trying to stay away from the computer at night and plug into my family and sleep.  I work during the day so time to blog is scarce.  I miss it a lot.  I do find myself writing more in journals with actual pen and paper, but it's just not the same. 
I'll try to finish up some blogs and get the posted -- but then again, it's not like this blog is missed.  :)  It's intended for me.  It happens to be stumbled upon by you.  If you are a fan, I thank you. 

XO

Music Minute: Kelly Clarkson

I know I'm a little behind the times here, but I've recently started listening to Kelly Clarkson more and more.  I'm diggin' her stuff.  Recently, "All I Ever Wanted" was playing on RadioDisney (cuz I'm hip like dat) and I HAD to find out who was singing it!

I like KC's style.  I like how independent she seems to be -- not conforming to the Hollywood ideas of how a woman should look, recording her own stuff in her own way, coming back to Texas to be a Texas girl.  She's got a good mix of tough and feminine goin' on. 

Since U Been Gone, You're All I Ever Wanted!  My Life Would Suck Without You, Miss Independent.  Addicted!

(OH!  I another reason I like her so much is because not so long ago, I did one of those celebrity look-alike thingies and she was the result.  SCORE for moi! *strut*)