Like "oscillate", "vascillate" is one of my favorite words. Basically it means to waver between one thing to the next. Here is the more technical definition.
verb (used without object), -lat⋅ed, -lat⋅ing.
1. to waver in mind or opinion; be indecisive or irresolute: His tendency to vacillate makes him a poor leader.
2. to sway unsteadily; waver; totter; stagger.
3. to oscillate or fluctuate.
I am in the midst of this action. I do it sometimes in the context of my spiritualism. As much as I love my faith and Trust the Process, I sometimes find myself in a moment of time, checking out of the conversation at hand and thinking to myself, "why does this even matter?".
It sounds more cruel and heartless than I mean it to be when typed out like that. Truly, it's not a matter of me being bored of what you're telling me. Nor is it a matter of me ignoring you. Rather, I question. It's what I do. My mom even said it to me earlier tonight, "You and your dad. Your mind is always going. Random things, always going." She's right.
I am vasciallating between what my every day purpose is and how it plays a role in the saving of the world. Ultimately, I believe we all have a role in saving the world, even though I have a limited capacity in what 'saving the world' could possibly mean. There's no way I could fathom 'saving the world'.
Yet, I feel called to leave an impressive legacy. Tonight, at the American Jewish Congress Women of Spirit Awards, I heard one recipient say: Strong families grow strong people. So true! I even wrote it down in my red book that I carry with me everywhere for moments just like tonight. So, back to that legacy. Yeah, I want my children to be real contributors in the world. I want my family to be talked about among the community. No, I don't expect recognition. I would hide in a cave is someone publicly acknowledge our volunteerism, our impact on relationships, whatever the case may be. But I want people to meet me, to meet my family, and walk away feeling more complete, more loved, MORE than they were before they met any of us. You know why? Because when I meet people, *I* feel MORE. I'm bigger in my heart. My soul is more profound. My behavior is more tempered. My words are kinder. I need to feel that energy. By absorbing it, I'm able to re-introduce it into The Mighty Universe and reciprocate that energy.
Then, I wake up. Shower. Make a lunch for My Eldest. Get her ready and off to school. Take my vitamins and supplements. I interact with co-workers, friends, family, royalty owners, whomever. I do my filing. I type on a keyboard. I clean my house, the lawn gets mowed, y'know, just the mundane. The monotony of life, that which is bane. Why? WHY do I DO these things? What do they matter? For a few years now, my answer to these question is "...because they are necessary so that the world can be saved."
Is that true? Do I really need to know if its true? Because if I knew. would I change the way I act and behave? Would I fear even more and laugh even less?
What's the purpose of making my bed?....of waking my kids up to go to school?
I'm rambling....and getting nowhere. Sounds like my bed is calling me, so I'm going to scurry off and rest. Hopefully I won't vascillate, as I so often do, between good sleep and sleeplessness.
BTW -- the questions in this blog are rhetorical. No need to answer, but I welcome any feedback.
WHOOSH!
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