Not Fitting IN

I don't fit in well, but I feel pretty comfortable wherever I am.

I was chatting with Big Dave about this earlier today, and actually, it's a realization that's slowly reared itself unto my consciousness.

I work with a gaggle of 20-somethings and 50-somethings. I am 30-something. So, I don't fit in to the "younguns" exactly, nor do I fit into the "veterans" exactly, yet, I do fit into each group. Each group says they enjoy my company and they ask me to do things socially with them. Yet, I'm the ONLY 30-something and well, it's weird.

In one of my therapy sessions not so long ago, I was relaying how growing up, I spent a lot of time alone because most of my cousins were older than me by at least three years, then I had two cousins that were younger than me by a good eight or ten years. And growing up military, my family would go "home" to my aunt and uncle's ranch in West Texas at least once a year, especially if we were state-side. The whole brood would gather there and play games, sleep, the normal holiday gathering. Well, I was found often, lurking around the adults instead of with the kids. And luckily, the adults, for the most part, let me hang with them. But, my therapist said something very therapy-ish when I said, "I never really fit in". "Well no wonder! No one ever included you! They left you out."

I sobbed.

"I never really thought of it that way." I said rather pathetically.

And you know what?

She's right.

Now don't get me wrong -- I'm not doing the Blaming Game. But it was a revelation in the context of how little I really understand myself in situations. I just DO things. I don't necessarily see my role -- or lack thereof -- in any situation.

Even now, in motherhood or friendship, I don't understand my impact on a person. Conversely, I don't necessarily see that person's impact on me for a long time, if ever. Certainly some people have come and gone and come again in my life that I just don't understand what the purpose of our kinship is. I suppose I really shouldn't HAVE to understand it, but I am a person who LIKES to understand it. I like knowing your value to me and me to you. I have a need to appreciate you and make you beautiful no matter who you are. I am just a subjective-izer. It's both good and bad to have that quality (a blog saved best for another day perhaps).

Anyway -- sorry I've been aloof. I'm battling some life adjustments, trying to enjoy my children more, working on bolstering my marriage and being a better, more-present wife. I also have been a bit creatively stifled. I don't want my blog to be so serious and it FEELS HEAVY these days. I will try to add some levity. Additionally, I got a new camera for Christmas and am trying to learn it, but I might've gotten in over my head. It's a sophisticated momma.

Happy New Year and all that jazz....