Cutting to the Chase

I hope I'm brave enough to post this...

I'm worn out. Emotionally exhausted. I think all the time about stuff. I mull over the relationships I have and wonder how I can make them better. At the same time, I hide. I isolate.

These days I'm having a difficult time living in the here and now. I'm having a hard time not looking over to the greener side. I struggle to focus and concentrate. I yearn to travel and be a different kind of me. The me that wants to live in Europe, enjoy some cultured nightlife and sunny vacations. Afford some nicer things and not stress so much about money, friends, life.

I do my weekly therapy appointments and I get a lot of validation from my therapist. I am thankful for my support system who love me and bolster me and emotionally support me. I am trying to get back into exercise purely for stress management. I worry that I'll keel over of a heart attack and my kids will grow up without me.

I cry when pressed about my 'issues'. My emotions when they are not controlled are extreme.

Erin wrote in her blog about being depressed. I *know* I am depressed, and am trying to manage it the hard way -- without medication. I am gaining weight -- stuffing the emotions inside me so they don't cause carnage. It'd be nice if that was a thyroid disorder. hahaahaha. (Thank you Erin for helping me today. And for being transparent.)

I know things will be fine. I know you are only a call away. I am self-aware enough to know what's going on. I'm just stuck. I'm in that lull between working hard to get out of the dark and being tempted to stay in the dark. I have some tough decisions to make and some music to face, and after a rest, I will be more active. I will come into the light again. The trite stuff just isn't working for me these days. I believe in it whole-heartedly to my core, but it's just.not.enough. these days.

So, pray for me. Be patient with me. In the meantime, I'll be on autopilot.

xo