Water Sign

At the risk of sounding like I have sexual identity issues, I'm going to take the risk anyway. Additionally, this blog is filled with gender-specific stereotypes so if you're a feminist, either quit reading or put your "I promise to not be defensive" hat on and pop a squat.

I'm not comfortable being female today.

Don't get me wrong, I am comfortable with my feminity. I feel like a woman. I like the special things of being a girl in the world, such as motherhood, curves, the flirtatious tuck of hair behind my ear, a nice bra and kissable lips. I like inviting others to explore their femine side. I believe women should be women and men should be men, and women should not be a man's equal.

Men. They are indeed yummy. And irritating. Alluring. Obnoxious. Protective. Immature. It's no secret I'm a big flirt. Nor is it a secret that I have at least one crush a day. I am fascinated about what makes men tick, so observing and conversing about the male psyche is always a good time. Granted, it's frustrating, but ironically, I get along with men more than I do women. Always have. I think it's because so much of me thinks like a man. I guess I don't feel as judged by the men. Women size me up and I just don't like how catty we can be to one another.

I like sports. I am especially knowledgeable about NFL football. I can hang with most any sports topics of conversation on some level. It's served me well in the past when trying to attract men. I don't use my knowledge for The Attraction Game anymore, but it does gain me some extra street cred at work when playing fantasy football, participating in March Madness brackets, as well as when I'm out at parties or some social engagement where I'm metting someone new. I know a little about a lot of things. My jackie-of-all-trades, master-of-none seems to engage the guys more than the gals.

I dislike talking about chickie things like Coach bags (and I'm getting the matching wallet for my birthday!), Manolo Blahnik shoes (love Carrie Bradshaw, but no *that* much), Prada and all that shopping stuff. I don't know the first thing about Clinique or any high-end face applications (Cover Girl and Oil of Olay suit me fine). Forget trading recipies with me, even though I cook well. I'm not a high maintenance woman, although I do enjoy pedicures while sipping wine, massages and a weekend away having lots and lots of lovin'. I feel very special and womanly when I am dressed up for a formal dance or some special occasion that requires the wearing of the color red.

Emotions. I have them. I have them sometimes in extremes. The extremes make me very uncomfortable. Apparently, they make a lot of people very uncomfortable. Why? Because I'm a rationalizer. Information is peace to me. I am also a fixer, which is typically the guy-role. The more I know and understand about my behaviors and soul, the calmer I feel and the more even-keeled I am. The better I serve my fellow human and help them feel better about themselves, feel that serenity I feel inside myself. But, there are times when I'm out of touch with myself. Still, other times I know full well what's going on inside of me and I *refuse* to acknowledge them. I want to bury my head in the sand, or get on the yacht and go sailing alone -- just me and the sea. Today is a day that I wish is was me and the sea. Today is a day where I wish I could just be myself unabashedly, have that certain someone look at me, process some cues and just hug me. Love me. Pull me into some loving arms and sway me back and forth and allow me to break down. Completely. Kiss my head and play with my hair. No words. Just unspoken, reciprocated understanding. Let me be female. Offer me that soft place to lay and be Jackie.

I'm struggling today because I'm having an ultra-female day (PMS?), and I don't mean in the "I need a new Coach purse because shopping makes me a princess" kind of way. I want to isolate. It's times like this when I detest being a woman. It's times like this that I *do* isolate because it's safer for everyone involved. :) People don't know how to handle Jackie When She's Emotional. The seem to prefer the me who is accepting, unconditional, compassionate. There are few people in my life who've ever experienced the All of Me. And there are even fewer who I trust these days with even a sliver of the All of Me. When I have days like this, I feel misunderstood and people think they need to run away from me; or they push buttons back at me because they feel my off-day is me being antagonistic. They think I'm 'miffed' or 'pressuring' or 'sending out a bad vibe' or 'irrational' or 'on my period' . It's these days especially that I wish someone could keep me in context and accept me the way I accept them. No confrontation, no insecurity about my intentions. Just let me be me. The weak and broken me. The vulnerable me that NEEDS. The little girl that WANTS. Even if it does seem extreme.

LET. ME. BE. ME.

It's times like this I wish I was a guy.

Today is a day that I wish is was me and the sea.....