Choices

You know....I've been doing some thinking.

The smoke is thick and billowy. Grey and furious. Still I am on fire....

I blogged a few weeks ago about convictions. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was challenged to list, literally list, 10-15 needs and 10-15 wants that I require/desire in a relationship. So, I've been trying to do that. I've been trying to further define myself. I don't want the definition to confine me, or mold me, but I admit I need the structure.

I've prided myself on being "laid back" or "flying by the seat of my pants" or "being fluid". And those are all admirable qualities to have. Like anything, however, I am realizing even these things are dangerous in extremes. I have been extremely laid back, extremely in flight, extremely fluid. Not good. Might even be considered doormat-ish? Maybe?

In watching "Grey's Anatomy" tonight (has there EVER been BETTER television?! lol), I was inspired to blog. I was struck with the realization that I've preached a conviction I have for several years to my social circle. Didn't ever really label it one. Tonight, thanks to Bailey and Tucker (kind of gay, I know! Shush!), I have identified and labelled a conviction -- a NEED --specific to moi!

Why do men and women constantly find ways to push their couplehood, their relationship, their marriages behind everything else?? After all, your spouse/s.o. is your partner for life. Kids will be out of the house in less that half the time you are married theoretically.

My conviction...my requirement....my desire in a partner: someone who recognizes that God is first, couplehood is second, parent is third, and the rest is just the rest.

It's sad to me that even in my own marriage, my couplehood is last, if it's even on the list. We have many complications going on in our lives, yet, we are failing at staying connected in an intimate way. We are merely surviving. And I am grieving over that. We are both aware of this pattern, yet we are still making choices that defy my conviction.

And honestly, speaking for myself, I don't even put my God first anymore. I feel more distance these days from Him than I have even in my non-believer days.

I remain an optimist. I confess that I'm weak; I'm broken. I surrender and don't want to fight. Yet, I hold on to hope. Like a silly girl, I hold on to hope. For what am I hoping? I don't know.

Perhaps another conviction or two to reveal themselves to me.

I better get back to working on that list of Needs and Wants....my homework is due on Monday!