November is drawing to an end and that means some pretty heavy lifting for me. Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. His memory tends to weigh heavily on my mind especially so on his birthday. That's all I'll say about that today....
Thanksgiving has just passed. Thanksgiving has historically been one of my favorite holidays. Growing up, it was the only day all four members of my family would eat together at a table (before the Cowboys game, of course) face-to-face in the disposition of having actual familial interaction at the same point in time. As awkward as it was, it meant something to me in the end. Nowadays, I've tried as a mother, to make sure my family eats together at the same table with no interruption. It's been hard at times, but we do make an effort and we do it fairly regularly. These days, it's been especially hard and I've found I really do miss it. I am not a fan of families being tangential.
Sadly, this year, it really didn't feel like Thanksgiving. On the outside it did. All the accoutrements accounted for: turkey and all the fixins, some family about the house, the Cowboy game (duh). We even had a cold snap weather-wise. On the inside, I did indeed feel quite grateful. I refrained from too much reflection for I knew I'd unravel. I acknowledged that which needed to be, and that which I wanted, but the scope of All is overwhelming to be honest. It's also bittersweet. Aside from gratitude, tears would uncontrollably fall for shame, sadness, madness and even J-O-Y. Best to avoid the 'uncontrollable' at a happy occasion. (If I could cry like Demi Moore's character did in Ghost -- all pretty and non-blubbery -- I'd be more willing to get 'uncontrollable'.)
Today, I am adrift in the storm of my own self-discovering. It's dark here, shaky, even tumultuous, but I feel warmth. Light must be somewhere. But is it where I think it's from? Probably not. That's God's work, I suppose. That's where my faith comes in (maybe?). It's a weird feeling to feel alone and loved. I assure you -- trust that I am not lonely. No, I do not feel lonely. If I did, surely I'd be A Lost Soul. I'm thankful because all of you who know me love me and keep me company. (Even if you don't know me 'in person', you know 'of' me on here....and I appreciate that extra [ego?] bolstering.....)
Today, I'm not sure where I fit in anymore but am serving when called. I'm trying to be in the moment but am I'm failing miserably because so often, I'm not enjoying the moment to it's fullest.
Recently, one thing I'm wondering is how do I stand up for my convictions* and not be percieved as selfish or bitchy? I'm not sure that's even possible, is it? I mean, by standing up for what *I* think is right is bound to leave some casualties by it's very nature, right? Of course, what *I* think is right might not be what is truthfully "right" as definied by Oxford or some such literary reference. Is there even a black and white "right"? Or is "right" contextual? Or is being in the "right" contextually merely being "justifiable"?
Now, smash the Current State of Jackie against the madness of The Holidays and see what mess is left from the fallout. I'm seriously worried that I won't be able to cope with the stress of it all, yet through the aforementioned faith, I know I'll survive.
Is life is just about surviving? My Chrisitianity teaches me that there is no entitlement to happiness here on Earth. My *true* happiness lies in the Afterlife. Living this Earthly life is the suffering part. I am reminded suddenly of one of my beliefs: without pain, there is no growth. The concept of that belief is being stretched and a new facet is being discovered. Admittedly, I wonder if there is something for me in the Afterlife and is it going to be the greatness it's promised to be? Ultimately, I believe it so, and I was not brainwashed into my belief. I arrived on my own to it, and wear it proudly. Doesn't mean I can't change my mind, right? If I arrived on my own, certainly I possess the vehicle in which to depart it. But not today. I'm not leaving just yet. I am however, learning. Analyzing. Surviving.
I got to thinking over the weekend (did you feel the Earth move?) about the concept and practice of heightened self-awareness. Also thought about what it means to understand. Both are double-edged swords, really. Wouldn't you agree? I mean, the more you know yourself....and the more you understand yourself in the context of life in general or certain situations....you are more full and fulfilled, yet more accountable and more searching and more guessing. The more you understand, the more questions without answers there are, and thus, the constant PUSH to know more -- to understand MORE. More! More! MORE! A vicious cycle really. One from which I'll never graduate. If I'm lucky and humble, I'll see the rewards along the way. Ignorance is bliss. Is it? Or is it just.....Ignorance is..... less effort? hahahaha
I'm not ready for Cold December to come. Even though I know Advent reminds me of the birth of My Savior and all the promise He holds, I still am human, dealing with the societal trappings of The Holidays which means I will be - at least in some of my thoughts - nasty, rude, ungrateful, bitchy, whiny, mean, and inflexible (among other not-so-nice things). I stay embedded in the Warmth of The Promise, but sometimes knowing My God loves me and that I am perfect in His eyes, isn't validating enough. Sometimes I need validation in more tangible places, from everyday people. I do not like that vulnerability about me, yet am trying to embrace it. It hurts to hold it. It hurts to say: I'm vulnerable.
Timing is everything.
*Convictions: I went on a hunt on myspace recently. I was hunting Panthers. Panthers with whom I attended high school. I found a guy that I dated very briefly. The story of he and me is quite special and I've always treasured it...treasured him. One thing I remember most about him is that he wrote poetry. He wrote poetry to me. How incredibly romantic is that?! It wasn't the cheezy kind, either. It was filled with imagery and words that conveyed grown-up romance, human feelings. I'd say he was a man ahead of his time. I've often thought I should apologize to him for mistreating his feelings, mishandling them -- hurting him. How does that adage go? I wish I knew then what I know now. In any case, The Poet and I are myspace friends, and I'm very flattered that he's messaged me a time or two. Maybe now I'll get a chance to offer that apology.
I bring this up because The Poet has two blogs posted on his page. One specifically lept out at me. It's entitled "Beliefs". It's quite a delicious itemization of that which he believes in...his convictions....his opinions. I loved it and was inspired by it. Funny thing is, I haven't done mine yet because I'm afraid to! Hahaha!! I am afraid because if I say: Women should grow hair under their armpits, and then I go and shave mine because I've had a change of heart (1) I'd have to make a new list {and I'm not a listmaker anyway; plus that's a lot of extra effort and maintenance to relist my redefinition -- didjya follow that? God help you if you did....}, and (2) the aforementioned notion of casualties. As I type this, though, I'm wondering (more Earth shaking?): Do I choose not to make a list because that means I'd be something limited instead of something dynamic. I sort of think that... how can I describe it....?.... the dynamic of my relationship with any given person...sort of...breathes. It inhales and exhales, expanding and contracting, keeping life intact. Of course, if I had these rigid beliefs then people might understand me better and say, 'oh, that's just how Jackie is'. And then I'd be defined and know myself and not make apologies and all that jazz.
With that being said, I'll draft a list of convictions/beliefs/Jackie-isms and maybe, just maybe, someday I'll make them public. Two have been made very public (I think one in this very post): pain is growth and the other isn't as few words. The other is... People are put in my life for a reason. They are either pebbles of sand on the beach washed away and replaced, or they are solid boulders. Both are important because it's a divine crossing of teach or be taught (might even be both!).
Now for some levity: Duran Duran is promoting their new album, Red Carpet Massacre, and they are coming in concert to Dallas!! I'll have to find a way to get there.....
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