Okay, so I was reading this popular blog that really makes me laugh. She's a rather neurotic person that my "when I was in my 20's" persona can identify with. She posted a blog the other day that said being fat and overeating is selfish.
(screeching brakes) Huh?!
That struck a chord with me.
I'm fat. I don't consider myself selfish.
Then I really got to thinking about it. I'm, as previously stated, a compulsive overeater. I've been in THE 12 step program and was quite successful (if one ever IS successful in a 12 step program). I maintained abstinence for almost 12 months, lost 50+ pounds, but most importantly was FREE. Free from the bondage of always thinking about food and how putting it in my body will make me feel oh so much better (because it only really makes me feel physically ill and incredibly guilty). Of course, I was living in a smaller city that isn't so vain as Dallas, going through a divorce, living the single life, enjoying my martial arts classes 3 times a week, visiting with a kick-ass sponsor, even doing service work and really living life in a healthy way.
Now, almost 10 years later, I am not active in program. I'm not active at all. I don't work out, I don't go to meetings, I don't have other program friends in my day to day life. I'm remarried, with 2 young children, live in a megalopolis. I tried to get in program 2 or 3 times since moving here. The meetings are what I call "geographically undesirable" meaning they are so friggin far from me!! (I can hear you 12 steppers now: that's no excuse.) I basically don't possess the energy for it. Program means that program (God) comes first. If God isn't first, then how can I be the most present, most full woman, friend, mother, wife, worker, etc.?
Wanna hear something kind of ironic about that God thing? The first time I ever entered a meeting room, I was agnostic. Higher Power was a difficult concept for me to grasp. No kidding--at times my phone was HP. The PC was HP. Now, I'm a fully converted Roman Catholic and I can't figure out how to put My Father in context of HP.
I'm getting closer, though; I can tell. My treasured coin in sitting on my desk at work. I've printed off a meeting list (a friend is even willing to go with me!). I also pulled out my AA blue book. Pulled out the For Today meditations, as well as the 12 princples & traditions book. Even The OA 12 and 12. It's bittersweet to see that stack of books. They remind me of a healthy time, a free time, yet they continue to haunt me because it's upsetting to think that I will NEVER be totally free of the habit and sheer will to stuff myself full of food! Gradution does not exist. I'm a lifer. I have not seen that my eating disorder is a gift yet.
I live under an incredible amount of stress. I'm a happy person, but I have my internal battles. I numb them with 2 dozen Almond Joys in the last 2 days (can't you tell how much I love-hate Halloween??), along with a choice amount of Reeces peanut butter cups, Snickers, and well, "normal" foods that aren't so sugar enriched. I could binge on water, really. I've done it. Not a proud moment. At least I can say I never dug through the trash to get food in a desparate moment.
To this day, one of the main reasons I don't carry cash is that I will spend every last dime of it on food.
So all that said (and so much more unsaid) -- my chord is struck for a reason. While I stuff food to suppress emotions, I am actually rationalize that I am acting selflessly. In my twisted mind, I think that saying nothing, feeling nothing is really "taking one for the team". I do not need to live my life like this. I am choosing to live my life like this. Thefore, I am being selfish.
Please pray that I get to meetings, start working the program. Pray that I find a sliver of time, an ounce of sanity and a giant barrell of willingness, discipline, commitment to do this again. Lastly, pray that I receive my disorder as a gift, a blessing -- not a cross to bear. And as always, I pray God's will.
Off to read a little bit in my stack of books.
Whoosh!
P.S. Today is All Saints Day in the Roman Catholic Faith. When I was baptized, I took the name of St. Monica. She is the saint for mothers and wives.
St. Monica, please pray for me.
In the months prior to my Mom's death, we spoke quite openly about many subjects. She said things she wouldn't have said, and we don't know if it was a way to making peace with things or that the cancer in her brain had her be less inhibited.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things she said to me struck a cord along the lines of your post. She said she never understood why my Dad didn't take better care of himself physically. Why he didn't even try. (He's a diabetic, has high blood pressure and has a family history of heart issues.) She said "Why didn't he love me enough to take better care of himself and lose weight?"
My Mom always bugged me about my weight too.
It is selfish to be overweight. (to have the habits supporting being overweight.) And it is selfish to be a clutterbug. (At root it is alot the same issue.)
Thanks for your post. It is a brave thing to look at!
I love you!