In Which We Saw A Red Cardinal

Waiting in the phlebotomy lab, My Mom and I had just heard some goodbad news in which she needed blood drawn. We were talking about the words we had just heard from the doctor, how the words were better than she had thought they would be.  I stood next to the sink listening and chatting with her. 

As with most new environments with me, I surveyed the room while listening (I'm sure sometimes I appear uninterested or rude when I do this).  I look down at the items on the counter next to the sink:  paper towels, tissue, magazines, when immediately I noticed a little Christmas decoration pushed up against the splash of the counter.  It was a tin snowman holding a branch. On the branch was a red cardinal. The (no doubt Made In China) artist (air quotes?) painted the tin, so obviously, this cardinal stood out among the white of the snow man.  

I smiled.

I picked it up and showed My Mom.  She smiled too, "hi darlin'", she said. "I might be there as soon as I thought."

She wasn't talking to the bird. She was talking to My Dad. 

Good and Bad and Regret and Promise

Happy new year friends and family and inhabitants of Earth who might happen across my digital path. 

Sigh.

I've reached this year. Frankly, I'm amazed.  Looking back on 2012, I have experienced a most tumultuous and self-rewarding year. Overall, it was one of the most introspective and self-awareness years of my life. I admit I'm glad it's behind me.  While I'm a big believer in good comes from bad, and personal growth, I feel like I've been constantly working and incessantly worked.  It's been exhausting. And wonderful. And confusing.  And somber.  And life-giving. 

I'm very excited for '13. Life experience and academia teaches that I will endure yet more struggle, yet, I'm more hope-filled this year than I have been in a while. 

I've been working in an environment where I've been generally uncomfortable.  Many times I looked back in regret, wondering why I ever left my previous employer. I questioned myself over and over. I even went so far as to ask for my job back only to be met with rejection.  I had a realistic idea that I'd likely not be re-hired, so I wasn't surprised. And, if you know me me or read my blog often enough, you know I'm also a big believer that struggle brings growth and most importantly, TTP, trust the process. I kept that as my mantra to help me make it through most days, and it works. Seriously, it's so freeing to know that I can surrender and still land on my feet.

That said, an amazing professional opportunity has landed in my lap. I start on Monday the 14th. 

Monday the 14th is also the day my mother will be going in for a biopsy to find out more about a mass on her left lung. 

Sigh.

My mother was taken to the E.R. last Monday (5 days ago now...). When I picked her up from her house, she was lethargic, slurring, coughing incessantly. She was so weak and weary, short of breath. She looked and sounded as if she just finished running a full sprint!  In typical fashion, every test under the sun was administered, ultimately resulting in Influenza A. Mom had her flu shot already, yet, there was no escape from this one. The doctors admitted her due to her low oxygen saturation, shortness of breath, fluid on her lungs. She's COPD which complicates everything. She's been on oxygen, in an isolation room. The doctors and nurses wear masks when they come in to assess her. She at least has a nice view out her window, is in a very clean hospital with, in my opinion, knowledgeable and caring staff.  

Back to the 'every test under the sun'....a CT scan and x-ray of the chest were administered and, yes, there's a mass on her left lung.

I'm prepared to hear that it's cancer. I'm not despondent, not like I was with my dad. That's not meant to be offensive or dismissive, nor is it meant to say I love my dad more than I do my mom, or anything like that. It's simply one of those things that I've experienced already, have gained some wisdom, know what to expect to some degree, and can process my emotions a little better.  She's smoked for 60 years. It'd be silly to think she wouldn't potentially have cancer. I don't want her to have it. I don't want her to suffer. I don't want to watch her suffer.  I just know it's a very.real.possibility.

So, pray for her please.

Pray for me as well. Pray for me to have made a wise choice in switching jobs again (I, at my core, am very at peace with the decision and firmly believe this will be permanent for me.). 

I have a lot of tough choices to make, but I feel stronger today than I have in years.

More soon....

~whoosh

Office Survival Kit

I have been making these as Christmas gifts for office mates for a couple years. It's a fun gift idea, so I thought I would share it with you at no cost.  Yes, friend, today is your lucky day - FREE POST!

My sister-in-law first introduced this to me when she gave me one.
It can get expensive, so tailor it to your budget.

Contents:
Blank note cards
Chapstick/lip balm
Tums
Pepto To-Go
Tide To-Go pen
Photo holder
Gum
Breath mints
Lint roller
Floss
Sewing kit
First aid kit
Chocolate
Tissue
Hand sanitizer
Back scratcher
Put these in a decorative photo storage box & distribute!
Merry Christmas!

Dear Newtown, Connecticut

"But they were teenagers and older kids, right Mama?" she asked, eyes fixed on mine, not sure what to hope for as the answer.

"No." I somberly answered.  

I didn't want to tell her the victims were first graders.

I didn't want her realize she's the same age as the victims.

"Were they in first grade or something?" was her follow up question, eyes unsure, filled with more fear.

I put my hand on her back so she knew that love surrounds her and I nodded my head up and down, whispering, "yes".

The tension in the kitchen thickened. I kept my cautious eyes on her, watching her process the information, studying her face in an attempt to anticipate what might be next.

"Did he use guns and shoot them all up?"

Those are words I never thought I'd have to hear from my six year old daughter, not at the age of six anyway.

I soften my worried expression and in another whisper, "yes".

She quieted.

I kept rubbing her back, stroking her hair occasionally.

"You okay?" I finally asked. 

She looked up at me and said, "well, let's hope those kids who lived heal".

+

Dear Newtown, Connecticut, 

Please know that the lost lives of your community as a result of the mass shooting serves a greater good. I pray you find peace knowing that all bad things sprout bountiful good things.  It's my hope you can see how your story, your life, your struggle has touched my family all the way here in Dallas, Texas.  Your story helps me teach compassion. I'm able to teach that death is a part of life.  She now has heard a more extreme story of good and evil.  Her final statement is affirmation to me AND YOU that good wins. "Hope".

Hope.....

You are loved.

~Jackie & family

THIS Is A Digital Footprint

Jamie Livingston, RIP.

He died on his birthday. 

This gentleman took a polaroid picture every day of his life for 18 years and they're online.  You can see them here.

Thank you to Mental Floss for running the story that caught my eye.

Rules According to My Little One

While waiting patiently in a quiet setting, MLO decided she needed to work on her birthday party goings-on which, mind you, isn't until March.  And, according to these rules, a pool will be required. I don't have one of those. Hmmm....






Translations:

RULES

fees out all out uv the pool

inclood all

(Peace out)

OK's
is OK to fite
is OK to hav fun
is OK to have cake and ice c

NOT OK's
not OK to be mean
not OK to hav cake and ias creem

+

Got that?
Good!

Using A Tool

Growing pains hurt.

It's easier for me to go into self-protection mode and rock myself eat for comfort.

Back when I used to go to OA meetings, my mantra was, as the 12 Steps encourage, to feel the feelings.  Fucking A I don't want to!

I'd rather be dulled, because otherwise those around me are left with this even more out-of-control Jackie.  That's not pretty.  Those of you who actually know me, intimately, know I'm already kinda wheels-off.

+

I consider myself a fairly strong communicator, but admittedly, I don't do well when I need to most.  I'm either withdrawn, avoiding the issue, isolating, or I'm horribly tactless and downright vicious.  Why do there have to be extremes?

To find that middle ground is the work. 

+

I've been trying for the last few weeks to do some weight work.  My blood pressure is borderline high, I'm slowly backing down from the highest weight I've ever been, blahblahblah. 

I talk out of both sides of my mouth, all while I stuff down feelings for self-protection.  

Irrational to those with logical minds. Completely rational to those who are like me.

+

Today I'm pouting about doing the work. Today I'm pissed that I'm not who I want to be. Today, I'm struggling with too many emotions and they're all just pouring out of my eyes, my hands.  My busybrain wants to panic.  Yet, somewhere, nested in the cobwebs is reason and hope. 

Today is a good day.

2012 Election

Congratulations to President Obama who was re-elected last night. 

Americans:  No matter who you are, what you believe, respect the Office of the Presidency. He is Our President.

Americans:  No matter who you are, what you believe, respect the life of the man named Barak Obama. He is a PERSON who happens to be President. Rise above racial slurs, petty thoughts, demoralizing behavior.

Please.

yaddayaddaELECTIONDAYblahblahblah

As an American, it's not only my privilege and duty to vote, but I'm also called upon to task you to get out and vote. Be nice to the kids if you're voting at a school.

I voted last week - first time in a while. Not sure what motivated me to vote, but I did. The thing is, I live in Texas which is hands-down a Republican state, so, no matter how ANY Texan votes, the electoral votes are going to Romney.

HOWEVER, not ONLY a presidential election is occurring today. Even if you disagree with national politics and want to abstain, at least familiarize yourself with the local and state politics. There are Propositions and all kinds of random political jobs that are being decided today -- jobs neither of us have heard of until we sought information. 

Bottom line: think critically, decide, act.

Patriotically Signed,

Proud American-Texan-Alaskan-Eskimo Jackie

MOvember

SiMOn for MOvember.....

What say you?