Merry Christmas

Follow us on IG @gabeandfinny!

Hope your holiday season is filled with love. 

May you sit in stillness, in quiet, and marvel at the moment.

Love,

Whoosh, My Little One and My Eldest

Gabe and Finn

Eighteen

It's quiet.
And dark.
And still.
And still,
I'm awake.

You, my brown eyed beauty,
Today, you're eighteen.

Memory lane moves fast!
I am so proud of you now and always!

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I made a playlist of all the number one songs on the pop/top 40 music charts on October 8th from the year 2000 through today. Here's the soundtrack of your life:

2000: Come on Over Baby (All I Want is You) - Christina Aguilera
2001: Fallin' - Alicia Keys
2002: A Moment Like This - Kelly Clarkson
2003: Baby Boy - Beyonce
2004: Goodies - Ciara
2005: Gold Digger - Kanye West
2006: SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
2007: Crank That (Soulja Boy) - Soulja Boy
2008: Whatever You Like - T.I.
2009: I Gotta Feelin' - Black Eyed Peas
2010: Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars <3 p="">2011: Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5
2012: One More Night - Maroon 4
2013: Royals - Lorde
2014: All About that Bass - Megan Trainor
2015: The Hills - The Weeknd
2016: Closer - The Chainsmokers
2017: Bodak Yellow (Money Moves) - Cardi B
2018: Girls Like You - Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B

And some fun additions:

8TEEN - Khalid
Eighteen - One Direction

Duran Duran Appreciation Day 2018

May you have cherry ice cream smiles, views to a kill, diamonds in the mine, free butterfly girls and la la la la lava lamps!

International Cat Day

The Life of A Dead Woman: Legacies

June 19th Mom became ....Infinite. 

Me, my kids, my brother, his wife & kids & the oneandonly great-grandchild surrounded her. Her eyes sunken, her mouth agape, her loyal chihuahua between her calves, the continuous care nurse checking for heartbeat until her gentle blessing, “she’s gone”.

We all told her we love her.

I rubbed her shin, noticing the curl of her big toe, telling her we are all here, no need to wait anymore. We promised to take care of her dog, who is quite old.

Before getting to her bedside, I reassured My Girls that seeing their grandmother in this state is totally their choice. I tried to give them information so as to set a relatively realistic expectation. They both chose to go in but shortly after, My Little One asked to be excused. I am proud of their honest, vulnerable courage to make the choices they did.  It's a difficult task - teaching that death is part of life. 

I'd like to thank my brother & his family for accepting the challenge, embracing the tasks of caring for our mom through her end-of-life. It can be difficult to have a parent living with you, let alone a dying one. They allowed medical staff & clergy to come & go. There were trying times, but in the end, what won was mom's comfort. 

We are left with Her Infinity, Her Legacy. A woman who taught all of us how to LIVE, how to FIGHT, how to LAUGH. We are imprinted with the woman she was before she was our mother. 

For Us Left Behind, all of us in our own way witnessed what smoking can do to one's body: the addiction, the COPD, the hospital visits, the rehabs. We were riding that emotional rollercoaster with her. My brother nor I smoke. Our kiddos all seem pretty disgusted by it (hopefully enough to not do it in their adult years!).

She would say how lucky she is to have lived as long and as fully as she did. I think she figured she wasn't going to have the longevity she had. She was raised in an abusive home & some abusive relationships, living all her life completing school to only the ninth grade. She survived four different kinds of cancers and wore that fact like a badge of honor. (She smoked until the final month of her life, unapologetically!) 

My brother and I will drive to west Texas to spread her ashes among those of our father's. I am looking forward to that event. Writing about it now, I'm tearing up because I can't imagine the feels I'll experience when that moment is real. I'm sure I will feel some serenity, though.

Friday the 13th Words of Wisdom

Bands/Musical Artists I've Seen Live

There’s been a viral post on the Book of Faces. Figured I put it on my blog.

• Duran Duran (duh) x5
• Bon Jovi
• Cinderella
• Cranberries
• One Direction x2
• Kacey Musgraves
• George Strait x2
• Rolling Stones
• Bryan Adams
• Huey Lewis & The News
• Keith Sweat (lol)
• Josh Groban
• Boyce Avenue (why are they not more famous??)
• Kenny Rogers
• Oak Ridge Boys
• Righteous Brothers
• The Eagles (Hell Freezes Over tour)
• U2 x3
• Hootie & The Blowfish
• Darius Rucker
• Lady Antebellum
• Tanya Tucker
• The Lumineers
• Muse x2
• Pat Green
• Rod Stewart
• Vicente Fernandez
• Linda Ronstadt
• Chic
• Foreigner
• Neon Trees
• Gin Blossoms
• Van Halen (Sammy)
• Kid Rock
• Harry Styles
• LillithFair 1997

To be continued.....

The Living of A Dying Woman: Transitioning

My Mom is transitioning to death. 

According to the nurse, "she isn't actively dying yet". 

I've been granted the wonderful, painful, conflicting, confusing gift of time with My Mom. 

Her little Chihuahua, a pain-in-the-ass but oh-so-loyal sweetheart crotchety old man of a dog doesn't leave her side much. He escorts us back and forth to the bathroom, right along side the walker. He lays between her ankles or knees, sleeping, under the covers. If you try to move him, he's at a point where he will growl and get angry at you. He's a very protective, worried pupperdoggo. As Mom eats less, as does he. I wouldn't be surprised see see them die the same day. It's a little macabre, maybe, but it's also kind of endearing.

Mom loves watching tennis - always has. The TV has stayed on the Tennis Network for the last few days.

None of us gets the choice to not have cancer.  Somehow we trick ourselves into thinking it won't choose us. My reality is that I will very, VERY likely have some form of terminal cancer.  Being afflicted with it somehow, miraculously, spawns gifts....plants seeds of new life. If you *try*. If you can trudge through your feels, surrender the selfishness of the loss, you will see the beauty of death, the sun rising in the body. Weak smiles. Whispery laughter. You can look around and bear witness to the legacies. 

Mom's body will give up soon, and her soul will rise, rise, rise to the great beyond. And I will be standing 'neath the warm sunbeams she will shine down on me, a smile on my face.

I love you so much, mom. Thank you for choosing life and saying "yes" to me.

xo

Tazo Tuesday

Tea Wisdom

Flower Friday

Wordless Wednesday: Bandit & Big Blue

The Living of A Dying Woman: Pampering!

Mom was feeling strong enough to go out today, so I drove up and we went to get pampered! 

My niece accompanied us. I’m so glad the three of us created this memory!

Dean (pedi) and John (mani) doted on my mother so sweetly! They were so conversational, light-hearted and complimentary! 

Dean serves my mom white wine then sits at the tub to prep her feet.

John, sitting on a stool next to her, prepping her fingers: You look well! You look so healthy!

Me: *sphincter tightens*

Mom: I’m not.

John: You can’t tell.

Dean: How old are you?

Mom: 79

Dean: You don’t look it! You look, maybe, 63!

John: 79?!? Respect! Respect!

Lots of laughter ensued.

Mom originally picked out a taupe color then deck she wanted her manicure to be gel. She had to pick a new color.

Mom to me: Should I try black? I’ve never done black.

Me: Woman! It’s summer! Pick something bright!

Mom picked out a turquoise shade color. John and Dean were so excited! 

John: You happy woman! You need Happy color! You! So full of life!

Yes, mom. Yes. You are. 

Why I'm (Thinking of) Leaving Facebook

I declared loud and proud about a month ago that I'm deactivating my Facebook account on May 1st. Didn't say why, just said when.

May 1st has come and gone and it's still not deactivated.

I originally entitled this blog entry, "Why I'm Leaving Facebook", with the intention of posting the link in my status on my account page prior to May 1st. I'm obviously way off schedule (because that's Just Jackie!).

BUT, that said, I still have my reasons....

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In July, 2015, I moved out of my house, out of my marriage. I was (and still am) fearful for my life, so I left. My ex-husband ("whilom" - lowercase dubya) will never, ever get over it. He will forever have anger toward me. I will be be blamed for all the bad things in life, forever. And if there isn't bad there, he will find a way to make it bad and blame me. This is NOT "victim mentality". It's reality. When I left, I was prepared to be the "bad guy", but I was not prepared for narcissistic wrath (it's a real psychological thing!).

whilom, although blocked by me, managed to infiltrate my Facebook account (and a locked Twitter account, in addition to downloading this entire blog) in order to denigrate, decimate,  impugn, vilify, slander, besmirch and downright destroy me as a parent, a woman, a person. 

I cannot, and will not, tell you what effect his infantile behavior has had on me, and it started with -- yep, you guessed it: Facebook.

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Thennnn -- the U.S. Presidential election happened. I'm in shock at the vitriol and wickedness people post; literal mouth-dropped-open dismay. Yeah, yeah, yeah -- free speech, First Amendment and all that jazz, but goodness! I had no idea some people allow politics to define the parameters of their relationships! And guess what that means? It means that I don't want to see that malice!

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Thennnnn the whole privacy stuff that Zuck sold. It's so complicated, so intricate. I know a few things about this issue, watched the congressional hearings, did some reading, and it just doesn't sit well with me.

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The couple of weeks I've "taken off" from the Book of Faces has been interesting. I'm so flattered by the sentiments of acquaintances, friends, family, who've messaged, texted or posted on my page that they will miss me. 

People have reminded or tried to teach me how I can block and hide content (which I knew but that's a huge time investment! Worth the time? Probably.......).

I see Zuck and his "hot-or-not" website that is now an out-of-control international recruitment and political machine is attempting to reign in the out-of-control; might be too little too late for me (and I'm well aware we're all selling our soul to the AI devil with all the permissions we exchange for convenience), but I'm keeping an eye on the changes.

Presidents will come and go. Issues will always have controversy. Digesting various perspectives is so healthy and necessary, but not at the expense of my mental and emotional health. If you've established a pattern of being a disrespectful ass about your opinions, I'm going to distance from you. I don't watch the news; I damn sure don't want to see people that I know go off on each other or spew hate at me.

If I stay, it's because of the choice to look at the good in folks. 

If I stay, it's because I HAVE experienced that sense of "community" (*praising applause to Zuck*), which is very hard to replace (*shaking a fist at Zuck*).  I've even started communities on that thing! So, being sentimental, that's kind of hard to just quit cold turkey.

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What I *am* TRYING to live in is Hope. TRYING to live in Mercy. TRYING to separate the behavior from the person I know/knew. TRYING to live authentically to a set of values that are still forming, still being nurtured, still being reinforced. 

I don't want to not like you because you and I disagree politically.

I don't want to not like you because we aren't on the same spiritual and religious planes.

I appreciate being passionate about a law, a faith, a political party, a style of parenting, a manner of dress, a lifestyle, a reaction to an experience, etc.

I do NOT appreciate being judged and categorized. 

I do NOT appreciate being disrespected.

I will continue to learn.

I will continue to seek.

I will continue to contextualize.

I am determined to NOT let fear rule my heart anymore. I've missed so much life because of being afraid.

I am determined to speak up respectfully if I sense your fear is interfering with our relationship.

I will be honest, and with every bit of might I have, try to be compassionately so.

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(It's a damn tricky tightrope walk of learning self-love, self-respect, self-awareness without falling into the pit of being a doormat again.)

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People change. They SHOULD change. 

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I dunno, man. I dunno what I'm gonna do 'bout the ol' FB....and I guess if whilom decides he needs to legally pursue some b-s accusation based on what I've written, well, I'll keep in line with who I am, throw up that peace sign then come out shinier when the dust settles.

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Live in love, not fear.

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The Living of A Dying Woman: Mom’s Baptism

Mom has been given three to six months to live. She has been meeting with the hospice chaplain (pictured above). He’s a good dude. 

Today, mom was baptized and boy can you see how radiant she is! 

Opening Day!

Happy Opening Day, Rangers fans (and the rest of ya!)

Hamels on the mound today. Do us proud, Cole!

Music Minute: A Waltz

We're in 'Angelo at the Saddle Bronc. Burr and Dad are out back fryin' up catfish they caught themselves. 

Patrons -- more like a little quilt-like family of good ole Texans -- have all brought a side dish. It's a good ole fashioned potluck.

As it so happens, out behind the Bronc, along with the fish fryer, tables, a bottle of booze or two and several beers, an old-fashioned radio, is a retired tractor. Daddy, taking a cigarette break, sits up on the seat of that rusty tractor. He sits there, in his baseball cap, embering cigarette pinched between fingers as if holding a pencil. His eyes are closed. His arms are tan from days and days of fishin'. His jeans are old, worn and fit him perfectly. His foot is tapping to one of our favorite tunes that's just started on the radio: Waltz Across Texas.

I love this memory of my dad because, although he was a pretty laid-back guy, he looked very happy and at peace in that moment. 

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When we dance together my world's in disguise it's a fairyland tale that come true

And when you look at me with those stars in your eyes
I could waltz across Texas with you
Waltz across Texas with you in my arms waltz across Texas with you
Like a storybook ending I'm lost in your charms
And I could waltz across Texas with you

My heartaches and troubles are just up and gone the moment that you come in view
And with your hand in mine dear I could dance on and on
And I could waltz across Texas with you
Waltz across Texas

Written by Talmadge Tubb

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