Hello friends (and Foes)!
I've had a deep desire to blog, to write, to confess, open up, bare all. I've just been so overwhelmed by all the happenings of the last two years -- overwhelmed to the point of feeling STUCK. Paralyzed. Immobile. Tormented inside, but zombie-like externally.
I decided tonight to just sort of -- stream of consciousness -- not start anywhere in particular or lead in one direction or another; rather just type stuff and see where the journey takes me.
The biggest news is me being a new me. How'd that happen? What does that mean? Well.... it means I severed the chains of narcissism and have been in a bit of PTSD rehab. I don't like thinking of myself as a victim, per se; it is what it is. Counseling is a wonderful, WONDERFUL tool for coping with unhealthy emotions and situations.
Most of my adult life, I've been pretty self-aware and have desired, daily, to become a better version of myself than the time that is now a part of the past. That self-awareness, albeit powerful, can be burdensome. I knew I felt stuck and why but could not DO. I ended up pretty much spiraling and spinning in whichever way the wind took me.
All this is pretty generic-speak, broad and non-definitive, huh?
About two years ago, I left my marriage. The weeks after I left, I was terrified for my life. There was a significant change in the man to whom I was married. I observed a devout Catholic become a Christian Extremist. Gun collecting -- all kinds, even an AR-15. Ammo hoarding. Money being spent, but not knowing from where it came. And the freeze-dried meals in bucketloads -- piled in the garage. The political and religious rants were oftener and oftener and mostly didn't make sense to most who were in earshot (exception: the like-minded heard him loud & clear). The angry escalations and confrontations were happening too regularly. He attended that "free speech" even in Garland, you know, that Mohammed art exhibit. He wears it like a badge of honor. Our friends and even his own family, as well as our church friends, would ask me if I'm okay, and "what's going on with him??". They were talking to *me*; not him. His interaction with our oldest daughter became more and more toxic. Our interpersonal relationship devolved and was highly toxic, too. Incident by incident, question by question, bullet by bullet, gun by gun, rant by rant, I grew more and more fearful. This is picture of a person who you hear about in the news that "just snaps". I was afraid he would kill me. I worried about the safety of our kids. I also worried about their emotional development.
This all sounds a bit dramatic, sure. But it's My World. I'm sure he would say very different things and that is His World.
Before that, though, there had been many scars left by deep, deep wounds we incurred by the other. Neither of us are perfect; I had my share of infidelity. I withdrew. I avoided. So many things that I did wrong. I asked his forgiveness, he granted it -- in words only.
I took our kids and snuck out of the house. As a result of my sudden departure -- the narcissist to whom I was married went ballstothewall fight mode. Part of his strategy included printing off and analyzing this entire blog, pulling phrases and entries out of context, twisting them to make me appear devilish, selfish, incompetent, uninvolved. (This explains my dormancy.)
He lied! under oath! in a court of law, and his family did too. All these God-fearing, rules-following Catholic Church Attendants picked blood over Bible. To this day, I still shake my head, incredulously. Our Daughters -- wow -- what they don't know, and shouldn't know -- not until they're ready as adults. (They might read this blog, and that's okay; I am not saying anything untrue or disrespectful. It's not pretty, this is true. But it most certainly isn't petty.)
The lies, smears, misrepresentations, manipulations, emotional abuse, false accusations, verbal diarrhea and general hate for me that manifested in so many unexpected ways, nearly crushed my spirit. Nearly.
Along this journey Out of Marriage Number Two, were some committed, loyal, keepitreal friends and family that helped bolster me. I have handwritten a list of all the people who helped sneak me out of my house, kept me safe, helped me set up a new home from almost nothing. These are friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, church friends (ACTS!), therapists, pharmacists (ha!), court support, community programs, strangers.... I tear up typing about it now. I'm so humbled.
It took most of these two years to finalize the divorce. My Girls are exceptionally adjusted and know that they are allowed to be mad at me, feel sad, vent, enjoy, be joyful -- the whole of being human -- with me. We've had some pretty honest discussions, age-appropriately, about the past and the now. In writing is the only way Number Two and I are allowed to communicate, and that is even tense most of the time. I'm learning to set boundaries, be mindful and intentional, less reactive. It gets a bit easier each opportunity but there is no way I will say I see a light at the end of the tunnel, which is a bit tragic for our kids, who just want their mom and dad to sit next to each other at graduation.
A long exhale, a smile on my heart, experiencing something new. I now have an amazing man in my life. I look forward to our time together, but, as he knows, I'm in no mindset for commitment. I just want to learn the new kind of love I am experiencing. Patiently.
I look around where I live today and I smile. I have joy and a bit more peace. I am still anxious when interacting with Number Two and I have incurred quite a bit of legal debt, but I wouldn't change anything I did or where I am today. I wouldn't even change the marriage. I trust that process, you know. That's what I do.
Whoosh!
