Not Me

I'm 44 years old and there's a lot I don't know about myself. I'm really finding my way.  I admire those women who've said they "found myself" in their 30's. What must that be like?

Reflecting on my 30's, I can say, I did become someone. I can't say I "found" it. It "found" me. Motherhood. Yeah, I became a mom in my 30's. I also became a wife. I remained a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt. I was all those things long before 30. I was also a former girlfriend, a ex-best friend, an ex-wife.

A couple of things I've always been: a sports fan, a writer, a reader. I've travelled, relocated a time or seven.

But those are rather shallow parts of me -- roles, I suppose. There's more to those roles. Being a mother, for example, spawned a myriad of other roles -- complicated ones. I don't recall ever being an advocate before having kids. I am one now! I don't remember learning much about medicine and the human body, but I'm definitely a sortakinda doctorpsychologistteacher. Speaking of teacher -- it's difficult to tell kids how to do something, especially with patience!

Another "thing" that "found" me: my faith. It was in my 30's that I really did learn more about God, about Catholicism. I was baptized on Easter Sunday nine years ago this coming Easter.

Yeah, I didn't do a lot of seeking. I did a lot of receiving. That's not so bad, except I still feel pretty lost.

Y'know, times have changed something fierce in my lifetime. My lifetime is just like that of my parents'. I compare what inventions they witnessed to those of my generation, those of this generation. It's quite mindblowing, really. Things move so fast. With the Information Age seemingly in control of us more then we it, it's easy for me to bury my head in the sand and just basically ignore the drama in the world.

I have noticed, over my lifetime, I've connected deeply with people that are strongly principled, moralistic and opinionated; strongly convicted folk. That's just not me. I don't have these WE MUST FIGHT notions of global awareness and the wrongs of the world. I don't like politics -- that's not me. I didn't grow up going to church, and I tend to cling to the "feel-good" parts of God, so I don't have the most rigid moralistic views and practices -- that's not me. I gravitate to love, love, love all the time. I don't like confrontation -- that's not me.

I imagine, as I gain wisdom and experience, I might become one or all or some of the "not me" types. For now, though, I'm just gonna be. Be Me.

YES!

Guhgree!

Dallas Cowboys Aren't Just A Football Team

I've been thinking for a few years now that the Dallas Cowboys seem to have this unpublished, unspoken of "rehab" program. So many "problem" players seem to sift through the doors of Valley Ranch, and some of them do alright, I suppose. 

Dez Bryant is a player with a troubled past. He assaulted his own mother, has been accused of assaulting the mother of his child. He seems to have turned a page since the hitting-his-mother incident. He's stayed out of domestic violence trouble and has really produced at a phenomenal rate on the field. The media says he's "matured" or "is maturing". That's one way to describe the positive change in him.

Another controversial teammate is Josh Brent. He's repeatedly been in trouble while on the roster. His offenses include DUI and even murder. He killed fellow team mate Jerry Brown while driving under the influence. He's served time in jail. That whole time, the Cowboys stood by him, supporting him through the ordeal. Josh Brent remains on the team to this day, though he doesn't really play. Not sure what that's all about....

Last week, the Cowboys signed a one year deal with Greg Hardy last week. Greg Hardy has abused his girlfriend in the past -- real, documented, againstthelaw abuse. Yet, he's now a Cowboy. 

Jerry Jones, the owner and GM of the Cowboys has a daughter named Charlotte, who discussed the rationale of signing men who have these sorts of pasts. She cited "support" and "resources" for the perpetrator and the victim. 

Now it's been acknowledged. The hunch I've had for a while now: The Dallas Cowboys are the NFL's rehab.

Read: Jackie After O

Second book read this year: Jackie After O by Tina Cassidy.

Jackie O is a timelessly intriguing figure, similar to Marilyn Monroe. I was drawn to this book because I wanted to validate my suppositions about her: a strong, smart woman known for her independence and perseverance. I wondered if this book would enlighten the public about some intimate details the public didn't already know. Of course, bear in mind, my definition of the "the public" and "didn't already know" is very narrow. I was alive when Kennedy got shot, and I'm certainly not a historian. Most of my knowledge was based in what I've heard and see about her in the context of her first husband. 

But I didn't know much about her and her second marriage. Basically I knew she remarried, avowed to one of the richest Greek shipping magnates. That's about it. 

As a mom, I wondered how her relationship with her kids was affected by this marriage. As a dreamer of travelling, I wondered if Jackie's life became one of globetrotting philanthropy between extended voyages aboard the Christina. I wondered if she spent her days sun bathing and reading, socializing. 

I learned a LOT about Jackie Onassis while reading this biography. I highly recommend it. It's not all about her as a widow of JFK. I found myself separating Jackie from "the JFK incident" and seeing her as HER.

Give it read. Feel free to leave some feedback if you do.