Not Me

I'm 44 years old and there's a lot I don't know about myself. I'm really finding my way.  I admire those women who've said they "found myself" in their 30's. What must that be like?

Reflecting on my 30's, I can say, I did become someone. I can't say I "found" it. It "found" me. Motherhood. Yeah, I became a mom in my 30's. I also became a wife. I remained a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt. I was all those things long before 30. I was also a former girlfriend, a ex-best friend, an ex-wife.

A couple of things I've always been: a sports fan, a writer, a reader. I've travelled, relocated a time or seven.

But those are rather shallow parts of me -- roles, I suppose. There's more to those roles. Being a mother, for example, spawned a myriad of other roles -- complicated ones. I don't recall ever being an advocate before having kids. I am one now! I don't remember learning much about medicine and the human body, but I'm definitely a sortakinda doctorpsychologistteacher. Speaking of teacher -- it's difficult to tell kids how to do something, especially with patience!

Another "thing" that "found" me: my faith. It was in my 30's that I really did learn more about God, about Catholicism. I was baptized on Easter Sunday nine years ago this coming Easter.

Yeah, I didn't do a lot of seeking. I did a lot of receiving. That's not so bad, except I still feel pretty lost.

Y'know, times have changed something fierce in my lifetime. My lifetime is just like that of my parents'. I compare what inventions they witnessed to those of my generation, those of this generation. It's quite mindblowing, really. Things move so fast. With the Information Age seemingly in control of us more then we it, it's easy for me to bury my head in the sand and just basically ignore the drama in the world.

I have noticed, over my lifetime, I've connected deeply with people that are strongly principled, moralistic and opinionated; strongly convicted folk. That's just not me. I don't have these WE MUST FIGHT notions of global awareness and the wrongs of the world. I don't like politics -- that's not me. I didn't grow up going to church, and I tend to cling to the "feel-good" parts of God, so I don't have the most rigid moralistic views and practices -- that's not me. I gravitate to love, love, love all the time. I don't like confrontation -- that's not me.

I imagine, as I gain wisdom and experience, I might become one or all or some of the "not me" types. For now, though, I'm just gonna be. Be Me.