I've kind of felt ooky about this lately. I've considered nixing my WW email address, and sort of shedding my affiliation with her. I don't feel very wonderous. I don't feel very fair or independent, or strong or aware of my destiny. I'm realizing more and more that I cannot be all things to all people at any given time of day. And in trying to do so, I've neglected myself and others to some degree. I guess you could say I went from one extreme swing of the pendulum to the other....
So before I act rashly, I figured I'd better sit still and listen. Let me tell you, to sit still is very difficult for me to do!
I'm concentrating lately on feeling empowered and becoming comfortable with the concepts of "courage" and "leadership". I don't remember if I've blogged about this recently or not, but in the last few years, more and more people are calling me "leader".
For years I've said, "I'm a sheep, not a shepherd".
That's changing. (In fact, I've been BOTH the sheep AND the shepheard -- just didn't know it!)
With eyes anew, I'm starting to see ways I'm a leader and taking note of my courageous actions. I have a long (longlongLONG) way to go, but I am starting. Dare I say? I'm on a roll.
I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my own courageous leader skin (complete with animal print!). I'm beginning to embrace the little ways I lead -- ways unspoken yet noticeable, gentle and unintended at times. Leadership is not just in the workplace. It's in friendship, in parenting, in my work as a teacher, even in my work as a student. It's in my Godmotherhood, my Goddaughterhood. (LOOK! I invented a new word! Call Webster - STAT!)
Leadership involves solitude at times. It involves making the hard choices; the choices that no one else is willing to make. It's being about the total good, and about being not liked at times.
Leadership is selfless.
Leadership - the GOOD kind - takes courage.
Courage is a toughie because what I consider courageous isn't necessarily what you consider courageous. We put courage in the context of ourselves. We tend to compartmentalize it in the subjectiveness of our own socialization. However, I think you and I could look at certain acts througout time and both of us agree that courage was present.
It's one thing to have the balls to jump out of an high-flying airplane, or to bungee jump over a gorge. It's quite another to admit to your parents (in a blog) that you were actually drag racing (because a cute boy asked you to) when you wrecked the car versus that (little white lie) the car was vandalized at the football game. (Hi mom! *cheezy grin*)
It also takes courage to take a military company to battle for the greater good of humanity, even if the greater of humanity doesn't see the good right away. It means accepting responsibility for your wrongs and slights, and being humble, modest, when people are singing your praises. It means setting boundaries - clear ones, unwavering ones.
But it does not mean rigidity. No. Courage needs to breathe.
Courage is selflessness.
Side not-related but related note: In my opinion, women are the most guilty of not realizing how truly courageous they are, and how often they lead. Women tend to apologize for a lot for silly things. They put themselves last so that others could have glory. I believe that most women, though, find themselves at some point in their 30's, 40's, 50's and become empowered, but not without leaving a leaving a wee bit of damage in her wake.
The presentation song at Mass today was "The Servant Song"
THE SERVANT SONG
by: Richard Gillard
1. Let me be your servant.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.
2. We are pilgrims on a journey.
We are brothers on the road.
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load.
3. I will hold the Christ-light for you
In the night time of your fear.
I will hold my hand out to you;
Speak the peace you long to hear.
4. I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we've seen this journey through.
5. When we sing to God in heaven,
We shall find such harmony
Born of all we've known together
Of Christ's love and agony
+++++++++++++++++++++
'Tis a tricky thing to walk the line of being selfless and selfish, to lead or be lead, to act courageous or put on a mask. Indeed, it is.
The above song is quite a different message than the below song. Yet, they both convey a part of leadership and the kind of courage I am seeking.
+++++++++++++++++++++
I'm pretty sure "Superwoman" has been out a while....but I heard it on the AMA's earlier tonight and it moved me (two words: Queen Latifah!). I've heard it before, but I hadn't listened to it until tonight. Funny how that is...
Anyway, I think it's a good representation of some of the discernment I've been going through as of late.
Superwoman
Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
state of humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me
Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman
For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come
And all my women, all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun
And all my sisters
Coming together
Say yes I will
Yes I can
Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman
When I'm breaking down
And I can't be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly,
Oh
Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman
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